Get Away With Murder
I
BRIDGEIt was a good night for a murder.
The night was warm and a gentle breeze blew as I walked along the road that was illuminated by the light of the full moon that hung in the sky above.
The moon had been a witness. The moon had been an accomplice.
The night was quiet as I walked further away from ‘him’. No traffic to pass me as I walked towards the bridge. The bridge that would wipe my physical conscience clean. I suppose I should have had a thousand different thoughts then, but I did not.
I thought of nothing.
I stopped turning to face the town that I had just left. It was a small no name little town. It gave the sky a small illumination, but nothing to get excited over. There was nothing back there for me now. I took a deep breath and held it, cherishing the fresh country air. The breeze picked up slightly as I let the air go felling my hair tousle around in the undiscriminating hands of the wind.
There was nothing for me in that town now.
Except ‘her’.
And soon, that would not matter anyway. This was one truth I could not hide from her. She was going to know who did it...who was guilty, and why. And then she would be gone anyway. No one else had the motive, the temper, and the ability.
I did it and I freely admit it!
In this light, I was not going to prolong the inevitable and cause ‘her’ more pain than I was going to already.
I turned away from the town and felt the breeze in my face, telling me soon that ‘they’ might come. For some reason then, I listened carefully and heard nothing but the wind pushing through the pine trees that lined the side of the road. And maybe a few crickets.
It was then I glanced up at the moon. He was smiling at me, as if he was proud.
"Don’t be so smug." I told him. "You helped."
No response.
I walked onward towards the next town, listening to the gravel crunch underneath my feet.
The bridge I sought was halfway down the hill in front of me and spanned the local reservoir. The reservoir itself was surrounded by trees as it snaked it’s way throughout the county. The road beyond the bridge veered off to the right and disappeared behind the trees.
The whole scene was quiet and undisturbed by the flow of traffic. I was all alone. exactly as I has wanted it. I had to look out for me now, and only me. It was this line of thinking that led me to this place now. I had been looking out for me when I called ‘him’ from 7-11, when I confronted ‘him’, when I pulled the trigger which ended ‘his’ life. I had ignored ‘his’ cries for mercy, ‘his’ pleas for forgiveness. There was no forgiveness for the unspeakable act ‘he’ committed against ‘her’. And me for that matter.
But now, I would be dubbed the unforgiven one.
And I was ready to accept that consequence. What went around, came around.
The shock of what I had done was slowly starting to hit me. But I was not feeling guilty. The way I see it, what I had done was just and deserving.
‘He’ deserved to die. ‘He’ had gotten away with murder and now, so would I!
Right Mr. Moon?
Now here was the problem. ‘She’ didn’t see it the same way I did in that ‘he’ didn’t deserve to die. ‘She’ had forgiven ‘him’ and I will never know why or how. Maybe I didn’t want to know. What I did know is that the sorry son of a bitch got what was coming to ‘him’. If I go to hell for what I have done, at least I’ll have ‘him’ there for a roommate!
I reached the bridge and started to cross it. The bridge itself was a lot bigger and longer now that I was not driving across it. It seemed to take forever to get to what I assumed to be the middle.
Such a long time.
Almost as long as I had waited for ‘him’ to get to the field where I set ‘him’ up only a short hour ago. I was numb then, like now. But somehow, now it was different. There was more rage and anger then.
Now I was relieved. ‘He’ would never hurt her again.
Yet somehow...I was troubled.
I checked my feelings again. It was not guilt. I believe that I will go to the Earth never feeling guilt for this act of justice.
I disregarded the feeling and stopped walking. Cautiously, as if I thought I might be being watched I looked towards both ends of the bridge to see if there were any cars coming.
The night was still quiet.
I reached into the front of my pants and pulled out the weapon. It smelled faintly of burnt gunpowder. In my pockets were three spent shells which I reached for also. These had held the slugs which ended ‘his’ life.
I held the weapon to the level of my eyes. The glow of the moon shown off the brightly polished barrel as it had done earlier this evening.
The moon had been looking at me and the weapon. He knew I was the one, but would he tell? Mr. Moon needed to keep in mind that he had helped, so he should keep his fucking mouth shut! he cast enough light to tell me when ‘he’ was near and that ‘he’ was alone as I waited for ‘him’. I had seen ‘his’ shadow and the moon had seen the whole thing. He was the only witness to the perfect crime.
Actually, and I would never admit this to him...I needed Mr. Moon’s help. I can not see the color red and have not been able to since I can remember. This can mess things up when accuracy is essential. In shades of gray, one need all the help they can get.
Thank you Mr. Moon!
Unfortunately, ‘she’ would know. ‘She’ would know it was me. Remember, I was the only one with motive. I had even told ‘her’, at the time in jest that I was going to kill ‘him’.
So now that it was done, I had to get rid of the evidence. I had already disposed of the clothes and gloves I had used earlier this evening when the whole thing transpired. Everything that would link me to this crime would be disposed of or destroyed.
I dismantled the gun and hurled the pieces randomly into the reservoir below. Except for the barrel. I held it for a moment and stared at it in awe.
And then it happened.
I remembered something.
"Put that down!"
Mommy is here
Made him pay Mommy
No more bleeding
"Oh my God...what have you done...
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD..."And in an instant, the vision was gone.
In a kind of panic I held the barrel of the gun over the side of the bridge and let it drop. I watched it fall to the water some twenty five feet below.
II
FIELD‘He’ had come after all. I didn’t think ‘he’ would suspecting ‘he’ might not be this stupid and smell a set up.
I was wrong.
The light of the moon cast ‘his’ shadow across the field ‘he’ was walking across. "Hello?" ‘’he’’ called out. I could see ‘him’ from behind the bush where I was hiding. ‘he’ was alone. Perfect. Now ‘he’ would pay, Like I swore ‘he’ would. "Is anyone here?" ‘He’ rang out.
I held the weapon in my right hand, fully loaded and cocked. All I had to do was pull the trigger. In my left hand I held ‘her’ pen. A reminder of that evening I found her. Violated.
CLICK-click.
I close my eyes and I pushed the top of the pen in and out with my thumb.
We were miles from town and no one would hear. Or so I hoped. It was also early in the morning, about two or so. And if someone did hear something, if would be far off and insignificant. Like a car backfiring.
I opened my eyes and glared at ‘him’ with hatred I could taste. I was going to make ‘him’ suffer some before ‘he’ would know my full wrath. It was the only way for this rage to end.
Quietly, I stepped out from behind the bush and walked towards ‘him’ holding the weapon out in front of me.
CLICK-click
I was only thirty or so feet away from ‘him’ when ‘he’ heard me for ‘he’ turned around. The weapon was pointed at ‘him’. The look of killing anger on my face. I could feel it.
CLICK-click
"You son of a bitch." I whispered. "Tonight, you die." ‘he’ stood frozen and said nothing. A look of terror burned on ‘his’ face.
"But, where’s..." ‘he’ began.
"I lied." I interrupted. "You stupid trusting class A fuck up. Nobody out here but you...and me!" ‘He’ was looking nervous.
"Why?" ‘He’ asked in a small and frightened tone.
"You know damn well why!"
"This isn’t over what happened is it?"
I smirked and let out a small laugh. "Your quick!" I hissed. ‘He’ was somewhat bigger than I and my only real concern was that ‘he’ might try to jump me, take the weapon, and finish me off. Because of this fear, I did not get to close.
"Look man, I’m sorry." ‘He’ begged.
I hated his voice. It had been that same voice that told ‘her’ she had to do what ‘he’ said or ‘she’ would be sorry. I felt my anger and hatred swell into an overwhelming force that would drive me to pull this trigger. I was going to kill him. There was no turning back.
"Sorry?" I asked him through clenched teeth. "You expect me to accept that and just forget what you’ve done? Maybe ‘she’ can, but I cant! Not now...not ever. And now justice will be served!"
"Please don’t kill me." ‘He’ asked with much sincerity. I ignored him. I would not change my mind.
"Walk." I ordered pointing to a near by tree.
CLICK-click
"Anything you say man. Just don’t kill me." He squeaked. He begged some more for his life and started to cry claiming still, how sorry he was.
It was not even remotely phasing me.
We walked a short distance to the tree.
"Stop." I said calmly, feeling the anger and the hate bring color to my face.
CLICK-click
He looked at the pen in my hand and then up to my eyes. He knew whose pen that was. His eyes pleaded with me not to harm him. From my back pocket, I brought out a pair of handcuffs and tossed them at him. They fell to the ground. He looked at me.
"Take those and cuff yourself around that tree, facing front." I instructed. "And don’t tell me that you can’t do it, because you can. And if you don’t, I’ll kill you."
He picked up the cuffs and did as I asked weeping and mumbling the whole time in plea.
CLICK-click.
I wasn’t hearing him. All I could see in my mind was ‘him’ on ‘her’, in ‘her’, getting what he wanted from ‘her’. And then having ‘her’ forgive him.
When he was secure, I put the weapon back in my pants. A wave of relief washed over his face, although he was still crying. I got up right in his face and saw the fear deep within his eyes. He knew that no matter what he did, he was going to die.
CLICK-click
"This is how she felt when you FORCED yourself on ‘her’ you son of a bitch. And now, I am going to do to you what should have been done a long time ago."
He began to cry harder, pleading with me yet again not to kill him.
That would come last. first I would have some fun with him.
Well...fun for me, torture for him.
I reached down and unbuttoned his pants. He started to scream, as if he knew what was going to happen.
"Maybe I should rape you..." I said pulling one of the gloves off my hands.
CLICK-click...with the other.
I reached down and lightly touched his penis. His eyes were shut in horror as he bit his lip. I grabbed his pants and boxers and yanked them down to his ankles. There in the light of Mr. Moon, I saw it. What he forced into her. What fed it’s infested food into her.
There was no word to describe the level I was at now. I had completely blocked off everything he was saying while I fondled him. He began to grow an erection.
CLICK-click
I dropped to my knees, my mouth inches away from him. I dropped the pen to the ground as I reached into my back pocket, my other hand holding him firmly. Smiling, I brought my mouth closer to him, as if to perform fellatio. In an instant, I brought a hunting knife up to the base of his penis, where it met with his balls. He stared down at me with horror I could not describe.
"I don’t think so." I whispered and cut through his penis. The knife cut through his flesh like it was fresh butter. Blood spewed forth from his body as I pulled the remains of his penis off his body. It shot everywhere. I laughed with such force as blood splattered on my face and dripped to my shirt.
"YES! YES!"
Mouth full.
Can’t scream.
Gag.
Salty.
"Do it right you little bastard! Or you will PAY"
Spitting.
Gooey.
He wipes it on my face.
In my hair.
"NO, NOT LIKE THAT!"
Pain.
Abuse.
Hitting.
"MOMMY!"I screamed as I fell back on my backside, trying to wipe the blood off my face. "STOP!" I screamed.
‘He’ wasn’t hearing me. He was making sounds that I have never heard any human being make. It was inhuman.
I jumped up to my feet wiping the blood off with my shirt. "SHUT UP!" I screamed back at him. He did not hear me. He was in a state of pain that no person has ever lived to tell about. I grabbed his hair and forced his head back. With the remains of his penis in my other hand, I forced it into his mouth. It muffled his screams a bit.
Blood was still shooting angrily from his stub all over me and the ground. he was going to bleed to death before I had my way. ‘He’ began to convulse and inadvertently started chewing violently. Little bits and pieces fell from his mouth into the pool of blood forming around his feet.
I think I might have been laughing.
Now I was going to finish what I started. I reached down and picked the bloody pen up...CLICK-click...and looked up into the sky.
I winked at the moon.
As if in slow motion, I raised the weapon up to ‘his’ shaking forehead. The glow of the moon streamed off the newly polished barrel.
"Good night fucker!" I whispered and pulled the trigger.
The thundering sound of the discharge sent me into another panic as I watched the bullet penetrate the left side of ‘his’ head.
Mommy is upstairs crying.
She is bleeding.
Pay...
Daddy must pay...
That’s what daddy say’s is right
Make them pay...
"What are you doing son?"
Make him pay...Mommy is bleeding again.
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD"
"I told you never to touch that! Give that to daddy NOW!"
Make him pay...
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD"
"YOU GIVE THAT FUCKING THING TO ME RIGHT NOW YOU LITTLE SHIT OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL MAKE YOU PAY"
Pay...
Mommy...bleeding
PAY!
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD..."
"This is not how to play the game son..."
Reaches for me
Make him pay...NOWEverything was silent.
‘He’ was dead. His limp body supported by the tree and he hung over, bleeding onto the ground in giant pools that the Earth was drinking.
What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground.
And now art thou cursed from the Earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand.
I unlocked the cuffs that held him against the tree and watched his limp body fall to the ground. Blood was everywhere.
CLICK-click...
I put the pen back into my pants pocket and the set the weapon on the ground.
In a sudden wave of delirium, I looked around the murder sight as if I was a little boy. Innocent to such deeds. How could this be so wrong, yet right at the same time?
I looked up at the moon. It appeared as if he were smiling at me.
I turned around and got sick.
When the reality of my self had come back, I dragged ‘his’ body to a hole I had dug earlier that down farther down Marlowe field to the edge of the woods. It was a shallow grave, but I knew that it would not matter. I sloppy covered him up with dirt and various forest debris so the grave site blended right in.
No one would ever know as no one ever came out this way. This place was desolate and far away from any houses I knew of. By the time whatever crop around here needed farming, the blood would have since washed away anyway.
Or so I hoped.
When all was finished, I retrieved the shell of the bullet that had killed ‘him’. I saw two more lying nearby. I didn’t immediately recall firing three times, but brushed it off.
I had pedaled a bike to this location and had hid it not to far from here. I would bike to the edge of town and walk from there, leaving the bike behind a dumpster. Eventually, someone would find it and keep it.
When I reached the bike, I stripped of the blood infested clothes and changed into others I had brought with me. The bad clothes were burned along with the gloves. The weapon was safely tucked in my pants away from sight.
It was time to leave now. Leave forever.
Time to get rid of the gun.
III
BRIDGEI watched the barrel of the weapon splash safely into the water of the reservoir below. It was done. My physical conscience wiped clean.
I looked back at the town I had just left but could not actually see it. Just the light in the sky.
How long before anyone figured out ‘he’ was missing? A day, two, maybe a week? It wouldn’t take long though. he was the kind of guy who would be missed if he was not seen around town. even worse, ‘she’ would know only after a day. After all they did live in the same neighborhood, and they were ‘so close’ and all.
Whatever.
The fact that they did live in the same neighborhood didn’t sit well with me either. I never trusted him. I knew it was only a matter of time before he did what he did. And I did what I did. In summary, all of this was inevitable.
I turned the other way in the direction of the town where my car awaited me. Only a few more miles left to go, if that. I had left the car here on purpose. I was real careful in setting this up and didn’t want my car seen around the town where I was going to kill ‘him’. I couldn’t take the chance of anyone seeing it in case questions were asked later on. So my car sat in the next town, only a few miles away. Besides, the walk would do me good. I needed the exercise anyway.
I began to walk onward.
I did not really know where I was going to go once I got to my car. I couldn’t go home. I ended my life in this town when I ended ‘his’ in Marlowe field. The initial plan was this. By the time the police pieced together what happened, if they ever did. I would be far away from here under a new name. A new identity.
I would change my name, my hair color, and get a new car. I already had the fake drivers license with the phony name on it.
Carter Jones.
It would be my new name the minute I crossed the state line. It was this ID that had gotten me into many a bar, as I was not 21 yet.
Perhaps I would drive across country. Or I could stay nearby so I could get an idea of what was going on in this state. But that would mean I would be close to ‘her’. And if I was going to say goodbye to ‘her’, then I would have to get as far away as possible.
I know me. If she was nearby, I might change my mind and try to come back and that was just not an option. Both ‘he’ and I were going to disappear at the same time and it was up to everyone else to figure out what happened.
They would not.
Once I was gone...it had to be forever.
However, I had planned on calling her one last time before I bid this place adieu. Not to tell her of my intentions mind you, just to say goodbye in my own way. I knew she would be hurt when I disappeared, but she would get over it.
But could I ever get over her?
Never.
I always knew that I was going to have to live with the memory of what could have been. We spoke of being together forever, maybe even getting married someday. We had planned a lot together. But perhaps somewhere deep down inside me I could not get over the fact that someone else had been inside her. Had left a part of himself inside her. She had been completely mine from the first time.
And now she was dirty.
But I knew it was not her fault and there was nothing she could do about it.
Was it that I could not forgive her for something she did not willingly do? Maybe, I don’t know. She did forgive him and I could never accept that. Perhaps that was what drove me to not being able to get close to her again.
He violated her and she forgave him like it was nothing. And then expected me to go on with her like it was nothing.
Actually, sometimes I think in spite of myself that she wanted him to do that to her somewhere deep down inside. Maybe she had really wanted him as much as he wanted her and never admitted it to anyone. That would certainly explain why she forgave him so easily.
I could just not agree to those terms. Accepting her forgiveness of him. How could I stand in the same room with the son of a bitch and know that he was inside her. He had taken a part of her that she gave only to me.
It was like he got away with what he did.
So in the end, I knew it was I who was going to have to make him suffer.
Make him PAY!
With his life.
It was only fair. He stole my life when he took ‘her’. Now I stole his life and took him.
But I still couldn’t find in my heart, as I stood feeling the breeze on my face, the forgiveness necessary to go on with my life with ‘her’.
She was dirty and no one could wash her clean.
I had told her so in so many words. She had cried and wanted to know why I was condemning her for something she didn’t do.
At the time, it was as if she felt that making love to each other would somehow undo all the dirtiness. Like everything would at least feel right again even if it wasn’t.
It just didn’t work that way, and I knew it.
IV
BEDROOMIt was getting intense. Real intense.
I didn’t think it would get this intense for a long time to come after what ‘he’ had do her. She was making all the moves though, so who was I to argue?
I had told her she didn’t have to do anything she wasn’t ready for. But somehow she ended up on top of me, on my bed, in my bedroom.
If felt good. Real good, even though we were not actually engaged in any sexual acts. And although it felt real good, it just didn’t feel right anymore.
Her lips pressed against mine and her tongue slipped in and out of my mouth. I heard her moan quietly in ecstasy.
I had wondered then if she had made those same sounds when she was being violated. I never asked. It seemed inappropriate. She actually had offered without me having to fish for details that she had been screaming for him to stop the whole time. He did not. He had this lame excuse about being drunk and driven to do what he did because she had been wearing a skimp almost see through skirt.
How dare he try to blame it on her!
She sat up and stared deep into my eyes. She took my hands and placed them firmly on her breasts. I savored the soft full sensation of her body in my hands. But just as soon as I was feeling good, I remember that ‘he’ had gotten those exact same breasts by force and had his mouth on them too. He had gotten his rocks off the girl I was in love with. I removed my hands from her body and held them up to my chest. No smile on my face anymore.
"What’s wrong?" She asked.
I looked at her with hurt and bitterness. She knew. "Nothing." I replied.
"Don’t give me that shit. I know you and something is wrong." She insisted. I said nothing.
She knew what was wrong with me and I think she just wanted to hear me say it. I wouldn’t talk about it with her and I think that this was her way of trying to get me to open up. I looked away from her towards the clock, not really comprehending the time.
"It’s ‘him’, isn’t it?" She asked. I was unresponsive. She sighed heavily like it was exasperating. "Why are you letting him come in between us?"
"I’m not." I said dully.
"Bullshit!" She said rather hard.
I whipped my head around and glared at her as she sat on top of me. "How can you act like nothing happened?" I asked angrily. "How can you just sit there and act like what he did to you wasn’t wrong?"
I watched the light in her eyes dim to almost nothing.
"I haven’t gotten over it." She said. "I live with it every day, ever night, in my dreams. But I have to go on. I force myself to. I will not let this bring me down. he made a mistake, admitted to it, and asked for forgiveness..."
"A mistake?" I interrupted. "How can you call what he did to you a mistake? It was more than that. He violated a part of you. Your trust, your life. He took something from you that was never meant for him and you call it a mistake. Don’t even fucking tell me that he did it on an impulse. I think he’s probably thought about it for quite some time, and an opportunity just happen to come up. I also think he knows what a forgiving trusting person you are and played on that knowing full well that you would forgive him at some point in his life. he got away with what he did plain and simple. What’s to say he wouldn’t do it again?"
"He didn’t get away with it. You know my parents are pressing charges." She replied. I shook my head. I could not believe what I was hearing.
"It’s not a matter of material justice." I retorted. "You forgave him as a person. It doesn’t matter if he goes to jail or not. He’ll know you forgave no matter where he goes. So in essence, he has gotten away with it. Besides, I know how these so called courts operate. They won’t punish him. He’ll get a slap on the wrist and that’s it. Our legal system sucks."
She didn’t say a thing. There was silence for a while as we both sat still looking in opposite directions. We could both feel the space that was between us now. The space that ‘he’ had put there. This was all part of his plan. I didn’t think that there was anything on this Earth that would close this space and bring us back together again.
She turned back to me. "Make love to me." She whispered almost desperately.
"I can’t" I croaked back. It hurt to say it. And it looked as if it hurt her to hear it too.
"Why?" She wept as she started to cry. Tears streamed down her cheeks. I had to look away.
"You know why." I said on the verge of tears myself. She cried harder than beating on my chest with balled fists.
"God dammit, why are you making this so hard for me!" She sobbed.
I looked up at her with a kind of rage. "Hard for you?" I snapped in question. "Okay, I can appreciate how hard this must be for you, but did you ever think about me for a second?"
Her crying ceased a bit as she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. "What do you mean?" She managed.
I was frustrated.
"I don’t want you to get upset by this, cause I’m being honest about how I feel." I began. "But I don’t know how I am ever gonna be able to make love to you again knowing that somebody else has been inside you. I know it’s not your fault but somehow, it like your...unclean now."
She looked as if someone had just back handed her. She sat quiet, on top of me in complete shock. I was waiting for her tears to start flowing again. They did not. She spoke instead.
"I can’t believe you just said that." She uttered in a whisper. "I really can not believe you feel that way, about me."
"It’s not like it seems." I defended.
Now she was crying. I hated it when she cried over something I said or did. It really hurt to see. Maybe it would teach me to think before I spoke sometimes.
"Oh no?" She asked through her sobs. "Than how bad is it?"
"It’s something I have to get over myself." I explained. It was a lousy excuse. I wasn’t even sure if it was true. She looked doubtful.
"Yeah right!" She spat. "You just called me dirty, but you can get over it. You’re so full of shit!"
Sadly, she might have been right. Actually she probably was right, but I was not going to say anything then. In this light, I said nothing to defend myself. I tried to give her a hug for comfort. She pushed me away.
"NO!" She screamed. "I’m dirty. Remember?"
I seriously did not think she was going to react this bad. Words can cut deep, even when they aren’t four letters.
She stood up and walked over to the other side of the room.
"I don’t know why I am having such a hard time accepting this." I stated in plea. "Believe me, I want to make love to you. I really do, Cause I love you and you mean the world to me. It just wouldn’t feel right now that somebody else has ‘had’ you."
"He didn’t have me!" She insisted. "It wasn’t like I let him!"
"No, but you were way to easy to forgive."
"It always comes back to that, doesn’t it!" She said harshly, upset again. "I’ve known him a long time. I know who he is and what he did was a mistake on his part, and he knows it!"
"You’re letting him get away with murder!" I hissed.
And then the idea was born.
Murder.
"You’re going to extremes again." She sighed. "He didn’t murder anybody." She walked back over to my bed and sat on the edge next to where I was sitting now.
"He killed the part of me that called you my very own. We were virgin to each other, remember? It’s not like that now. Not anymore."
"You’re making it sound like I cheated on you or something." She sighed full of exasperation. I looked away again. In a way, that’s exactly how it felt.
"Sorry." I whispered and looked down at my feet. She put her hand on my back and started to rub.
"What can I do to make this easier for you?" She asked.
I could answer that.
Nothing.
"Do you really want to know?" I asked looking at up her beautiful face. She looked back down at me with sincerity nodding her head. "Totally write him off. never talk to or see him again. Forget he exists and tell him to his face, to fuck off!"
She did not look pleased. But at least she was not crying.
A welcome change.
"Is that how you honestly feel?" She asked. I nodded. "I don’t think I can do that, not totally. Granted my parents don’t want him coming around anymore, but he’s still a part of my life. A part of me."
Oh how it hurt to hear her say that. This is why I think deep down that she wanted him to take her. he was a part of her all right. The wrong part.
"I hate him!" I hissed bluntly. "I hate him for what he did to you, for what he’s doing to our relationship. I wish that miserable fuck would just curl up and die!" Then I looked at her with enthusiasm. "That’s what I want. To kill him! I want to personally pull the trigger on the gun that would end his life for what he’s done to me. To us. And then I would wash my hands free of this dirtiness with his blood!"
She looked at me with even more shock than she did when I called her dirty. "I can’t believe you just said that." She whispered. "That scares me. I think you might actually do such a thing."
What scared me was that I thought she might actually be right.
V
BRIDGEI was walking again almost off the bridge. About fifty feet nearer to my car. To freedom of this entire situation that I have gotten myself into. Or rather that ‘he’ got me into. I was thinking harder of what I had done now and those flashbacks of my childhood that had come to me during various parts of the night.
My father, who I have not seen since I was a kid. According to my mom, he left us to fend for ourselves when I was just seven. We never heard from him again.
What I do remember about the bastard was not good anyway and I figured we were better off without him anyway!
My thoughts shifted to possible repercussions of tonight’s events. It was almost a month now since ‘he’ violated her. And a couple of weeks since I told ‘her’ that I wanted to kill him. I wondered if anyone would suspect his disappearance with mine.
It was possible.
And if so, they would come looking for the two of us. To bad I would not be in town when that happened. If that happened.
I never honestly thought it would go this far initially. I thought she was going to totally write the bastard off and never have anything more to do with him. the was the way she had acted right after the whole thing transpired.
She had been ‘devastated’ that someone so close to her would violate that ‘special bond and trust’ they had shared.
Me, I wanted to beat the living shit out of him at first. And then kill him.
But lets get real here. If someone did something that another person did not like, and consequently pissed the other person off, the first thing he or she would say is, ‘He’s dead!" or "I’m gonna kill him!"
It was the first thing out of my mouth...
VI
LIVING ROOM"I’m gonna kill that no good, lousy, two faced, miserable son of a bitch!" I swore, violently angry. I wanted blood! His blood. ‘Her’ father put his hand on my shoulder.
"Calm down." he whispered to me. "We need to think of ‘her’ first." he said motioning towards his daughter.
He was right.
‘She’ had invited me up to her house to visit with herself and her parents that night. To have dinner with them. Only when I got there ‘she’ was not. Her mom had told me that she had gone for a little walk with ‘him’ and was due back by five.
It was now six.
She was not back.
I offered to go down to ‘his’ house and see if she had just forgotten about the time. I was hoping that this was the case. ‘She’ never lost track of time like this. Especially where visits from me where involved.
‘He’ lived about a block away so I walked to his house and knocked on the door. he answered wearing only his pants. He looked dejected.
"Where is she?" I barked.
"How the hell should I know?" He retorted.
But I heard crying in the background, and it was coming from inside ‘his’ house. What was even more petrifying was that it sounded like ‘her’.
My heart froze.
I called out her name and she begged me to help her.
‘His’ face turned to one of horror. Sort of like when a child gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Before ‘he’ had a chance to respond, I had him down with one elbow punch. He fell to the ground clutching at his nose and screaming. Before he had a chance to get up and retaliate I kicked him several times. In the face, the stomach, and the crotch.
He wasn’t going anywhere fast.
I ran into the house and found ‘her’ in his bedroom trying to dress herself.
And then it started.
The flashbacks.
"MOMMY!"
Daddy looks pissed.
He is naked.
Bad.
He will make me pay.
"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE FUCK!"
Mommy is bleeding.
Again.
"Mommy?"
"Listen to your father."
Whispered.
Daddy is getting up.
THE BELT!
HE HAS THE BELT!
"I said..."
>>WHACK<<
"..get the.."
>>WHACK<<
"...HELL OUT!"
>>WHACK<<
Pain.
Blackness.
I don’t like the taste of blood.I stumbled back from the image in my head.
I HAVE NO MEMORY OF THIS!
‘She’ was reaching for me. I forgot about the image and went to her.
I managed to get her back to her house after telling him as he stumbled towards his kitchen to fix his bleeding face, that if he ever came near her again, I would kill him.
‘She’ has told us back at her house that ‘he’ wanted her to meet him at his house before they walked, as he had something he wanted to share with her. When ‘she’ had gotten there, ‘he’ had visibly been drinking. Quite a bit actually. She had been wearing a tight white miniskirt, visibly detailing her skimpy underwear.
Through her sobs the story ended with ‘Him’ losing complete control, forcing her into his room and him having his way with her.
Then to little to late, I showed up.
Her parents were enraged. First her father was bouncing off the walls, then her mother, and eventually me. She had been crying in one form or another the whole time. I sat next to her and rubber her back. At least he hadn’t hit her. If he had have, I’d be sitting in jail for manslaughter opposed to ‘Her’ living room couch trying to comfort her.
And fortunately or not, she had been on birth control for nearly a year, so nobody really had to worry about her getting pregnant. It was whatever diseases he might have had that scared me at first. His sexual habits ran into the many and I didn’t want him giving ‘Her’ AIDS or anything. We would find out later through tests that she was still clean.
Well, in the material sense of the word, yes.
Her father called the police. Not two seconds after he had gotten off the phone with them, there was a knock at the door. ‘Her’ mother answered it.
And who should be standing there in the doorway?
‘Him’
"I don’t know what either one of these ‘kids’ has been telling you ma’am, but it’s all a lie!" he said in defense of an accusation that he had not yet been charged with. Before ‘her’ father had a chance to retort I was off the sofa and on top of him, knocking him clean out of the doorway and into the front yard laying in the punches as fast as I could get them in. Somebody was screaming for me to stop, but in my anger I did not process this information. I was hell bent on destroying his pretty face forever.
"I’ll kill you!" I screamed at him. "I’ll kill you, kill you, kill you, KILL YOU!"
I grabbed a pen from out of his shirt pocket and proceeded to stab him with it.
Somebody pulled me off of him before I had the opportunity to do so. He was trying unsuccessfully to defend himself. It was her father who was pulling me back into the house.
"Stop. The police are on their way here." He said. "They’ll handle it. Just chill out."
I looked at him and I knew. I knew hr father wanted blood as bad as I did. But with his age and wisdom came sensibility. The sense to know when to fight, and when to wait. Clearly he was thinking more rational than I. I wanted instant gratification for ‘his’ deeds.
‘She’ came over to me from the sofa and led me back to sit with her and held onto me as if she were a scared child. I held her remembering I was still holding the pen in my hand. I slipped the pen into my back pocket and forgot about it. No one was going to hurt her like that ever again.
I looked over at him as he recovered from the attack, obviously shaken up. He had a bloody nose and was cut up in some places on his face. He should have considered himself lucky. If I could have had my way, I would have killed him right then and there. He was going to have the audacity to lie to the police about everything and he looked guilty as sin!
‘He’ tried to leave, but her father suggested that it might not be a good idea as the police were just going to come for him anyway. I’m sure that it must have taken every ounce of willpower for her father not to destroy the boy right then and there. He remained cool and waited outside with a watchful eye until the police finally arrived.
It took them almost an hour to get to the house. This makes me wonder sometimes where exactly the priorities of the police actually do lie. It seems to me that they can give out speeding tickets left and right that aren’t really deserved half the time, but when a real crime has been committed they just take their good old sweet time getting to the scene of the crime. This pissed me off and when the cops finally got there, I let them know.
"Where the hell were you?" I asked the cop when he walked through the front door.
He looked at me as if I had been speaking out of line. "Excuse me?"
"What took you so long getting here?"
The police officer looked displeased. "I have other job descriptions that just reporting to a call to take statements." He said.
I was really pissed now. And as usual I shot my mouth off with out thinking first. "Like what? Nailing innocent drivers for going a smidgen over the speed limit? Or stuffing you face with coffee and donuts over at the 7-11?"
The cop did NOT look happy.
"Calm down." ‘Her’ father told me. "He’s here now."
I rolled my eyes. "Wonderful" I said sarcastically. "Too little too late, but what else is new." The cop folded his arms across his chest and shot me look of warning.
"You’ll have to forgive him," ‘Her’ father apologized. "He’s a little upset right now."
"Well I suggest he watches his mouth before I cite him for insubordination to an officer of the law." He stated rather coldly.
I laughed. "There it goes again." I said to no one in particular. "The big bad pig harasses innocent people while the real criminals go free." I jumped off the sofa to meet the cop face to face. "You really make me sick that you can get away with standing there playing God. I don’t care if your job is to enforce the law. From where I stand, none of you pigs do a good job at it. In fact, I would go as far as to say that you take advantage of the law and twist it around to suite your own needs."
Then her father was pushing me into the kitchen. "C’mon, we need to cool down a little bit."
The cop looked at ‘her’ mother. "That’s one hell of a temper." He said. And that was the last thing I heard as I was lead into the backyard via the kitchen door.
"What’s the matter with you?" He asked me. I was starting to lose it, big time. I could feel the rage in my face, my eyes, my words.
"I don’t know." I managed. "This world is so unfair. After what happened to your daughter and the cops taking their time with everything, its like anyone can get away with murder these days…"
I said it again.
Murder.
"No." He father challenged. "He’ll pay. I swear he will. He will not get away with what he’s done. I don’t care if he did say he didn’t do it, I know he did. I can tell just by looking at him. You may not believe this, but if I had my way, I’d kill him too. Right now without any thought of the consequences to follow. But we have to think rationally right now, for my daughter, and for the sake of not doing anything we might regret later." I knew he was right. It was the anger that blinded me. "Listen, the police are going to need a statement from you as to what happened and what you saw. Do me this one favor, stay calm and do not blow up again no matter how much you want to. If we do this the right way we can nail that punk. Please, if not for me, then her." He said nodding off in the direction of the house.
Silently, I nodded.
The cops must have scared ‘him’, for as ‘her’ father and I walked back into the living room, ‘he’ was spilling his guts. ‘Her’ mother was crying as ‘her’ father went to comfort his wife. I sat back down on the sofa next to my love and held her hand. The other police officer arrested ‘him’ and took him away. Then I gave my statement.
But all I could think about was revenge. My revenge. Fuck the law. The law wasn’t going to do anything but slap him on the wrist and tell him not to do it again.
I would have to make him pay. And as I was beginning to figure out…
Anybody could get away with murder.
Maybe even me.
VII
ROADI was well off the bridge now and back on top of the hill that over looked the bridge itself and the other side from bridge where I had just come from. I could now see the city itself. Twinkling lights towards the horizon. The breeze was still warm and the moon, my witness and accomplice was still hanging nearby. Reminding me that he was still there, telling me that ‘he’ was finally gone, and that ‘he’ had finally paid for his crime. The moon was not going to tell anyone. My secret was safe. I took comfort in the fact that there was still something left that I could have faith and trust in.
The moon.
Suddenly in the distance, a siren went off.
I whirled back around to face the town and listened carefully. It was a fire house siren. I knew this as I had heard that siren several times throughout my life.
"That doesn’t mean a thing." I assured myself. "It’s probably a fire."
Unless somebody had heard the gunshot, and recognized it as a gunshot. Or maybe somebody had been nearby when I shot ‘him’. Two teenagers making out in the woods perhaps?
No, it wasn’t likely. The nearest house ha been almost a mile away. And there was certainly no way ‘his’ body could be discovered this early. If that had been the case, why the fire department siren? It made sense that the siren I heard was for something else.
I was just being paranoid. Yet, I listened.
I looked up at the moon. "Did you narc on me?" I asked it?
No response.
"You better not have." I told the moon. "I think that I would really be pissed off if you let me down. I would hate to have to murder you also." I looked back towards the town as the siren started to die away. "I figured as much." I uttered glancing at the moon with a sneer and continued my journey towards my car.
Still, in the back of my mind, I was paranoid that somehow ‘his’ body might have been discovered already.
Jesus Christ! Everyone could get away with murder except me!
I was the exception!
I was pondering real hard about the events that had led ‘him’ to Marlowe field. The great set up. I was sure there were no loop holes in my story.
Actually, there was only one reason I could think of on this Earth why ‘he’ would meet me anywhere, especially in the middle of no where in the middle of the night…
VIII
SETUP"She’s in the middle of Marlowe field, and she’s asking for you!" I told him on the phone.
CLICK-click
"Why?" He asked in his usual smart ass tone.
"How the fuck should I know." I said trying to sound believable. I had to be concerned, yet distant at the same time. I had to make ‘him’ believe what I was saying now was true, even though it wasn’t. I was setting the son of a bitch up for a big fall. The biggest fall of his life. I figured the only way I could get him in the middle of no where was to say ‘she’ was there asking for him. "She’s crying and shaking and I can’t get through to her. She keeps asking for you, God knows why."
"Because were friends." He insisted in a snobbish tone. I felt my blood pressure start to boil. "We have a very close relationship."
He was pushing my buttons. Calm, I had to remain calm.
CLICK-click
I grasped the pen. The same pen I took off ‘him’. The same pen that I almost used to stab him to death with. It was my release, my reminder of what I had to do.
CLICK-click
"Whatever." I sighed. "So will you come out here and get through to her?" He was silent. "Please?" I threw in squeezing my eyes shut in disgust.
CLICK-click.
Stay calm.
"Is anyone else out there?" He asked cautiously. I was not sure if he detected a set up, or if he was worried about the restraining order ‘her’ parents had slapped on his ass.
"No." I assured, assuming the latter. "Just us. We were talking and all of a sudden she just took off. I chased her out to Marlowe field down by the county border. She just broke down and became unaware of everything. All she is asking for is you." I paused. This was going to be tough to say.
CLICK-click
"Look," I began. "I know that we have our differences, but if you care about her the way you say you do, then you can forget those for now and help her. That is our common goal. Agreed?"
I should have been given an Academy Award for that performance.
"Okay." He sighed. "I’ll do this only cause she is asking for me. It’s going to take me about a half hour to get to that side of Marlowe field. Don’t let her go anywhere."
"Okay." I said as I heard him hang up his end of the phone. "Dickhead."
I hung up the pay phone I was using at the 7-11 in town. On the bike I was using, I could get to where I needed to be in about twenty minutes. Just enough time to beat ‘him’ there.
My plan was coming together. I had left my car in the next town, so no one would remember seeing me here via my car. I had the weapon. And I had ‘him’ coming to meet me in the middle of a very desolate and isolated place. No one would know. He lived by himself. He was almost twenty five years old and no one was responsible for him.
Perfect.
I pedaled as fast as I could to beat ‘him’ to the back end of Marlowe field. Upon arrival of the part of the field that met the county border I hid myself in a small bush not to far from the tree line. I could see almost nothing.
CLICK-click
I looked up at the moon. "You’re going to have to help me." I said look back across the field. Everything was either black, white, or a shade of gray. "I don’t think I’m going to be able to see him when he comes. You’re going to have to tell me when he does."
The moon did not respond, but I knew he heard. Then I thought about it some more. The moon would see everything. But would he tell? I looked back up at him. "And don’t tell anyone what I’m about to do. It’s our secret!"
The wait was long. Fifteen minutes seemed like fifteen hours before I saw movement on the ground. The crunching of footsteps.
His shadow!
The moon was telling me to be alert!
I looked around behind ‘him’ to see if anyone else was following. He was alone.
CLICK-click
Now he would pay, as I swore he would.
"Hello? Is anyone here?" ‘He’ asked. I stepped out from behind the bush, glaring at him with pure hate and began to advance.
CLICK-click
I spoke as he turned to face me…
IX
SHOPPING CENTER"You son of a bitch. Tonight, you die…" I whispered to myself as I stood on the side of the road, recalling the events that transpired on a few hours ago. I was still looking back towards the horizon. To the town where his body lay.
I could find no loop holes in my story. Looking back at the moon I nodded and walked on.
Soon I was able to see the shopping center where my car was parked. In a matter of minutes, I would be free of this place, this state, this life.
Thank God.
I found the strength to run the rest of the way to my car, my salvation and thought of nothing but sweet freedom I would have from this place. But then the sorrow of losing her crept upon me and I frowned at the thought.
She is unclean now, and that will never change no matter how much I love her. I will accept it and move on. I have no choice. And although I may find love again someday, it will never be the love I have with her.
True love.
I saw a pay phone by the edge of the food store in the shopping center. This would have to be my goodbye. I would have to wake her, as it was close to four in the morning, but I saw no other alternative.
I ran to the phone and made the call.
X
BETRAYAL"I have found it in my heart to forgive him." She said. I thought I was going to fall out of my chair and die of a heart attack. Instead, I stood up from the sofa in the living room of her parents house to face her.
"WHAT?" I asked.
"I’m sorry." She apologized. "We’ve known each other too long and we were really close once. A bond like that just doesn’t die."
"Bond?" I asked in terror. "What bond? He destroyed any ‘bond’ you might have had."
"No." She insisted. "He was drunk. His judgment was impaired."
"That’s no fucking excuse!"
"Keep your voice down." She warned looking around cautiously to see if her parents were in earshot range.
"I can’t believe I’m hearing this." I gasped dropping to my knees. I looked up at her. She was not smiling. "He got away with it." I whispered to myself.
"He did not." She retorted.
"Yeah he did. What if he does it again?"
"He won’t."
"How do you know that?"
"He said he wouldn’t."
I stood up and laughed. "Like his word is worth anything! I hate that fuck up for what he did to you. He had no right!"
"He was drunk." She repeated. "And…I was dressed rather provocatively."
She had been brainwashed. Obviously, he had gotten to her and talked to her at some length and made her believe this was her fault.
He was going to die.
"No." I insisted. "That’s no excuse. Drinking and getting drunk is no excuse. Its not your fault. You dress how you want to dress. He should be able to control himself, if he’s any man at all." I looked away.
With exasperation, she sighed my name. I looked back at her with anger. This was not right.
"But…I guess you would know about that, wouldn’t you!" I hissed. She jumped up of the sofa, rage in her eyes. "I’m almost willing to bet deep down, you wanted him to do that to you!"
She slapped me across the face. "How dare you!" She hissed. "I did not willingly go to bed with him dammit. He forced me! I cannot believe that you would imply that I would cheat on you! I would never do that."
I started to walk for the front door. This time, I was going to be the one to walk away. I paused just as I was opening the door. "Look what he’s doing" I told her. "He has come between us and you let him do it."
"No, you let him. I haven’t done a thing." She said.
"You blame yourself for what happened." I informed her. "You said that you would never cheat on me? When you forgave him and let him know everything was okay again, you basically did."
I walked out the door. She ran after me and pulled me back. "I love you and only you." She whispered in my ear. "Why can’t you believe that?"
"I believe you." I replied coldly. "But you love him too. I see that now. And you can’t have us both. Not after what he’s done."
"It’s not the same thing."
"I don’t care."
There was silence then. She was hugging me, holding me from behind. I turned around and hugged her back.
We stood there for a long time and said nothing.
XI
TELEPHONE"Hello?" Her groggy voice asked.
"Hi honey." I said softly.
"What’s wrong?" She asked coming more to attention.
"Nothing. I just called to tell you…I love you. I always have and no matter what happens, I always will." I whispered to her. She giggled a bit.
"I love you too." She whispered softly. "Forever."
"Everything is going to be okay now."
"I’m glad. I have something I need to tell you."
"I’m listening."
"Not now. Tomorrow. Come over about noon." She said. I did not answer.
"Listen, just promise me that you will never forget what I just told you." I asked looking over at my car.
"Why? You sound so serious like something is wrong."
Well, lets see. I just murdered someone who you claim you are close too because he violated you and I can’t seem to get over that. I also can’t accept the fact that another man has been inside of you. Other than that, no, nothings wrong.
"No, I just wanted you to know." I reassured trying to sound believable.
"Okay, I promise." She said
"Good. Go back to bed and dram of something nice." I told her.
"Okay"
"Really…I do love you."
"I love you too."
I hung up the phone and walked over to my car fighting the tears. I was crying for her and what she had yet to go through. For that, I was hating myself. It would be the last time I felt any real emotion for a long long time.
I got inside my car and started the engine. With heavy heart, I looked back over at the town I was leaving for the last time.
Sorrow , anger, rage, confusion.
"Wherever you are fucker." I told ‘him’. "That, is how you play the game!"
I pushed the car into first gear and began my journey west. As I reached the edge of town I looked into the rearview mirror at the disappearing sight of my hometown. I felt my lip twitch as I fought off the tears.
"Goodbye." I whispered.
I lit a cigarette and started to drive away.
It was a good night for a murder.
Eldersburg, Maryland - March 1992