Revelations

I
JAIL

I am waiting to die.

My life has come to this simple statement. All the running is over. All the hiding is over. "They" have finally caught me.

I sit here in this cage waiting to be extradited back to the other coast where I am wanted for five murders. With a few other lesser charges. I know they will find me guilty and probably have me put to death so I may join all my victims in hell where they are waiting for me. So they can torture me as I tortured them before I killed them in cold blood.

The bastard who raped my girlfriend.

Paula.

The cop who stopped me.

The 7-11 clerk.

And the old man and woman who didn’t play the game when they stopped at the 7-11 to see what was going on.

I can almost see them all now, standing in a circle waiting for me to land in the middle so they can have their way with me. To kill me over and over and over again!

The events that have led me to this place have become unclear. I am trying to sort them out in the form of written notes as I sit here and wait. Wait for my inevitable demise.

I was foolish enough to come back home. The one I abandoned a year ago. I wanted to make peace with some things that were haunting me. I thought I would find help here. I was wrong. I was not welcome here anymore. I had abandoned everybody and now they in turn were abandoning me. Everyone who I thought would play the game…did not.

I can’t find my family anywhere. They don’t see to live in this town anymore. As far as I can tell they moved away and I have not a single clue as to where.

I had no where to turn.

So I went to "her".

That is another story unto its self. Sadly, "she" did not have the chance to help me. "They" had gotten there before she could say yes.

I had been set up. But not by "her". Someone who I had thought was my friend, who I was foolish enough to have placed some trust in decided to turn me in.

And this time I could see no way out.

Her name was Julie. Or so it had been when I met her. She was willing to help me when I needed it. And, she played the game. But I let her in and this was my first mistake.

II
"HIM"

I was barely out of the state before my car decided it was not going to play the game anymore. I was scared now. Only a couple hundred miles behind me was a hoopla of murders, police and blood. And all of it had my name on it. I sent them looking for a maniac driving a Camero. But I knew it would not take them long before they figured out I was the madman they were looking for. I thought I had enough of a head start to be safe for a little while.

I had no money, no car, and no where to stay. I figured this might happen and still, I did not prepare myself. I had a gun with one bullet left in it. And if I was to use it, it was going to have to count. I was still thousands of miles from where I had to go. And on top of all this. I was still being followed. Not only by "Them", but by "Him". The man in the trench coat and sunglasses. The man I murdered a year ago.

I can’t really tell if he is alive or not…if this is really just a mind created illusion. Whatever it is, it’s scaring the hell out of me as I didn’t really want to die. Not now, not here.

Fortunately, I did not see him right now. In a couple of hours, it would be morning. I looked towards the east to see if there was any sign of a sunrise. It as still dark enough for the stars to touch the horizon. The light of Mr. Moon still cast various shadows across the wasteland around me. It was all flat and empty. A desert almost. I turned back to my car and kicked it.

"Why now you fuck!" I swore at it. The damn thing would not start. And because I had tried so hard to get it to start, the battery was now dead. The car was no longer part of the equation. I was on foot now.

I gathered from the car all the items I thought I would need. My gun, a blanket, and Paula’s jawbone. My only momento of the experience I was leaving behind me.

Now I had to find a way to get money as I had to eat. I walked until the sun came up. It got hot very quickly and it started to make me more tired that I already was. I couldn’t very well sleep on the side of the road so I walked onwards. Cars started to pass me as the day began for the real world. I hitched out my thumb but no one offered a ride.

I though as I walked that maybe I could carjack someone.

Yeah right! At what stop light?

It was something to consider later on.

As the morning dragged on…I felt as if what was left of my sanity was draining from me. I was a walking corpse. I had long since dropped my blanket as it had gotten to heavy to carry. I had the gun tucked safely away in my pants and Paula’s jawbone safely concealed in my pocket. I dragged my feet as I walked with an occasional glance behind me. The horizon was blurry from the heat as the road disappeared into infinity. Sometimes a truck or a motor home would drive by providing a much needed breeze.

I glanced at my watch. It was two thirty seven. Not that late in the day. I had merely forgotten that it had been broken in the struggle with Paula. The one that led to her death.

I actually had no idea what time it was.

It felt like the heat of a late summer afternoon but in actuality, I knew it was only mid morning. If I didn’t find shelter soon, I was a dead man. No human being could take this kind of heat all day with out water.

The thought of "them" catching me was lost. I had forgotten to worry about it and at this point…I didn’t care. At least I would be saved. Only to have my inevitable demise prolonged. I suppose if I has the choice of being put to death and buried properly or becoming some vultures lunch, I would pick the first. If I was going to die, it was going to be with some dignity.

I kept my eyes on my feet as I walked so I wouldn’t have to see the distance in front of me. The voices in my head were screaming. I shut my eyes to try and drown them out. The first town I came to I would fix this situation. I would steal money. I would steal a car. Better yet…if somebody was foolish enough to pick me up I would kill them and steal the car and the money!

I just had to hope that somebody would feel sorry enough for me to stop. I know that by this point I was looking like a kind of living hell.

I pushed onward.

The sweat stopped pouring from my brow and this concerned me. I was running out of body fluid. I was dehydrating fast. Translation…I was a dead fuck.

I shut my eyes and fell to my knees. My head was spinning. The screaming in my head was louder. I thought I was hearing the traffic of a city around me when there was actually nothing.

I was dying and I deserved too. There was no other explanation. I was now paying for my sins. I lowered my head to the gravel and rolled over feeling the baking sun on my face.

"I AM DYING!" I screamed. No echo. Just emptiness. I didn’t want to die like this. I wanted to be alone, yes. I just didn’t want to die alone, like this.

"No your not." A voice said. I opened my eyes in panic. Standing over top of me in trenchcoat and sunglasses was "him". "You must suffer long and hard before you die." He said smiling at me. "And I’m here to make sure you do."

III
PIG

I looked up from my lap towards the bars of my holding cell to see a pig standing there. He was looking at me with damnation.

"What the hell do you want pig!" I spat. He stood over me and smiled.

"You have a suck ass attitude boy." He said. I glared at him. It was the same pig who had come to "her" house the day of the rape a year ago. The one I got into a verbal argument with. "Oh yes I remember you boy. You and your piss and vinegar attitude. You make look different now, but I remember you. And trust me jerk off…you’re gonna fry for what you did out in California."

I smiled at him. "Think so?" I asked. "I’ll get out of here. I promise."

The pig laughed. "You are so fucked up boy." He smirked. "You don’t even have any idea what kind of hot water you’re in, do you? They want you out there so bad it isn’t even funny. You’re a cop killer and that’s the worst kind. So trust me. The only place you’re going is hell."

"Hey!" I yelled. "I’ve been to your mother’s bedroom and I lived to tell about that. I had to explain to your wife where I got my moves from." Then I laughed as loud as I could. I didn’t even see the pig come into the cell. Out of no where a fist connected with my jaw. It knocked me off the cot. I looked up at the pig from the floor. He picked me up by the shirt and threw me back onto the cot. I tasted blood in my mouth.

"You think you’re funny?" He asked me.

"I know I am."

"Yeah? Well, we’ll see just how funny you are in a gas chamber begging for your life asshole. And believe me, I will be there laughing my ass off while you beg!"

Now I was angry. I lunged after him. He threw me back onto the cot and into the wall where I hit my head.

>WHACK<
"DADDY…STOP"
>WHACK< >WHACK<
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEESE"
"Shut up son…take it like a man."
>WHACK<
Black

I was stunned long enough to watch him leave the cell and lock it. I opened my eyes and glared at him. "It’s not over yet." I whispered.

"Oh yes it is." He answered. "I can’t prove it right now but I know you had something to do with the disappearance of that punk who raped your girl. I think you whacked him too."

"Good luck." I said spitting blood onto the floor. The pig smiled again.

"I’m having that investigation opened back up. And I will get you." The pig laughed as he walked away. I jumped up and hurled myself into the bars.

"I WILL GET OUT OF HERE AND WHEN I DO…I WILL KILL YOU. I WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. YOU WILL PAY PIG…I SWEAR ON MY GRAVE YOU WILL!" I screamed.

The cop looked at me as he was leaving the holding area and smirked at me. "Exactly." Was all he said and left.

I saw no answer in sight.

IV
VISITORS

I laughed at "him". He stood over me continuing to smile. I shut my eyes and waited to die. He was going to kill me and I was going to let him. I had no more strength to fight.

"Kill me." I gasped. "I don’t care anymore."

But he was gone. Immediately I looked all around me at the flat lands to see if he was walking away. For miles and miles in all directions I saw nothing. I laid back down and waited for the end to come. I thought I heard the sound of the road baking. I cracked open an eye and saw the vultures. Or were they buzzards? Either way…they were circling above me waiting for me to die. I was going to be some birds lunch meat.

"Wonderful." I croaked and closed my eye again.

The screaming in my had raged on. I listened hard to the silence to see if I could hear actual words. Nothing but the intense sound of human suffering. Probably my own.

Time crawled at a snail’s pace and still I lived.

Why won’t I die?

I have given up.

The spinning made me sick. If I had food in stomach it would be baking on the road next to me.

"Didn’t I teach you anything…son?" A feminine voice asked in a gentle way. I opened one eye ever so slightly to see who it was. I saw my mother standing over me.

A wave of emotion swept over me. "Mother?" I asked in a whisper.

"What happened to you?" She asked. "What has driven you to this? Was it me? Did I not do a good job of raising you?"

"No." I squeaked.

"What then? How could you do so many evil things to so many good people?"

" "He" raped her mom!" I said as loud as I could. "He had to pay."

"A life is a precious thing son. You took so many. I don’t understand. Are you upset with me? Did I drive you to do these things? Was it something I didn’t do for you when you asked? Did I neglect you of something?"

"It’s not you mother." I whined. "Could you help me please? I’m in so much pain." But she was gone. "Mother?" I asked in panic. "MOTHER?"

I was crying. Mom had deserted me. And for what reason? Because I killed a few people?

It wasn’t fair!

"Oh really! Why isn’t it fair then?" Another voice asked me. I opened my eye again to see who was going to torment me this time. I saw an old couple standing above me. The old couple who met their maker in the parking lot of a 7-11.

"My mother is supposed to love me unconditionally." I insisted. "No matter what I do." The old man laughed in my face while the old woman watched.

"Says who son?" He asked. "You’re a murderer. Mom’s little boy has become an agent of the devil. You’re not her son anymore."

"Shut up." I uttered defensively. "That’s not true." But the old man bellowed in laughter again.

"Sure it is. She doesn’t want you anymore. You’re filthy…UNCLEAN! You are not worthy of anybody’s love. Especially your own. You took us away from our family. We had children, grandchildren who needed us. Now they will never know us again because of you. You denied them that. You deserve every miserable thing you get. That’s why your mother has abandoned you. YOU…are not worthy of her love."

"STOP!" I screamed, tears rolling down my face. They were gone and I was alone again. I looked up and saw the buzzards circling still. "Go away." I told them. "I am not meant to satisfy your appetite!"

I closed my eyes again only to hear another female voice say, "Well now…to bad you don’t practice what you preach."

I opened both eyes this time. I recognized this voice. It was Paula’s.

"What?" I asked not knowing what the hell she was talking about. She was dressed only in her underwear. As she had been right before I raped her dead body.

"You heard me." She said looking down at me. I looked at her bare breasts. I wanted her still. "Think about it Carter. I was never meant to satisfy your appetite. I was with someone else and you took me by force. Just to satisfy some sick need you had to fill a place left by someone else. I was never meant for you. But you took me anyway and I had to die for it."

"No Paula, it wasn’t like that at all." I said. "I loved you."

"No you did not! You don’t know what love is Carter." She sneered. "I told you before you raped me, when you took me and made me yours, you did exactly what that creep did to you when he raped your girl. You are no better than he was."

I shook my head. "It wasn’t like that at all." I said. "You wanted me too. You were wet when I felt you. I know you wanted it. You even got into it towards the end when I uncuffed you. Remember? You wrapped your legs around me and begged me to come in you."

"You’re really sick if you believe that." She said. "It was a ploy to get away from you." She smiled then. "To bad you had to kill me…" She grabbed at her breasts playfully and fondled them. "You’ll never have these bad boys again."

Truly, this was torture.

I closed my eyes and wished her away. I didn’t need this right now. I didn’t want to die with a hard on.

All was quiet then. The voices started to fade away. I was starting to fade away. I thought I was finally dying when I heard his voice call to me from far away.

"It’s all over for you now…"

Everything went black.

V
THERAPIST

I wasn’t sure what was happening now. I was taken from my jail cell to some conference room within the police station. It was the typical room with the rectangular table, chairs and the big mirror on the wall. I knew there were people on the other side observing. It was pathetically obvious. I waved at them wondering if they were flicking me off on the other side.

The door was locked and I knew I could not get out, so I waited.

Eventually a man came in. he was balding and looked to be in his forties or so. He was wearing a suit and carried a briefcase. He smiled at me as he sat down at the table, opened his briefcase and withdrew a yellow pad of paper.

"How are you today?" This man asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders.

"My name is Dr. Sam Gardener and I’m here today to determine if your are mentally capable to stand trial out in California or not."

"You’re a shrink?" I asked almost offended.

"A psychiatrist, yes." He replied. I rolled my eyes.

"I’m not crazy." I said in defense to his implication.

"I never said you were." He responded pleasantly.

"Then those pigs did, didn’t they?"

"You mean the police?"

"Yeah, the pigs on the other side of that mirror over there." I replied gesturing to the mirror, knowing they were hearing me. Sam smiled.

"That’s not a very nice thing to say." He offered.

"Did I ask for your opinion?"

"No, I was speaking on a courtesy level." I shook my head. If anybody was wacko, it was him. There was silence as neither of us said anything. Finally, Sam spoke. "So, how are you feeling today?"

"I don’t know, how would you feel if you were me?" I asked in return. I was not going to make his job easy.

"But I’m not you."

"No. If you were me. Hazard a guess if you would." I said. Sam looked a bit taken aback.

"I don’t know, I have never been in your position." He replied.

"Oh, I’m sorry." I said with sarcasm. "I guess to be in your position one would have to be an upstanding individual from a better class of persona."

"I never implied that you were lower class. Do you feel you are?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don’t know." I replied. "What would you consider lower class?"

Sam shifted. "Are you paranoid about something?" He asked ignoring my question.

"No."

"Is something upsetting you?" He asked never looking away from my eyes. I looked back locking our stare.

"You. If I had to say something." I said.

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Why?" he asked scribbling something on his pad.

"I’m not crazy." I insisted again. He made more notes. I tried to see what he was writing. I could not make out his handwriting. It looked like super script. I sat back in my chair and looked at him with a glare.

"Again I didn’t say you were. Nobody did. That’s why I am here. To see if there might be something wrong with you or not before somebody can determine if you need clinical help." He was writing again. He put the pad of paper down on the table. "So tell me. Why did you not opt to have a public defender?"

"Cause I don’t need one." I answered.

"So you feel you can defend yourself?" Sam asked.

"Well, I don’t think a public defender can really help me. I don’t even think an expensive lawyer can help me. In fact, I don’t think anyone can help me. In short, I’m fucked." I smiled and crossed my arms leaning back in my chair.

"You’re fucked?" He asked me.

"Yes." I replied. "There were five very unfortunate people out west who are not alive today because they would not play the game. When you don’t play the game you have to deal with the consequences. And so, five people are dead and the world will be better off without them.

"These people," Sam began, "They wouldn’t ‘play the game’? What game?"

"You wouldn’t understand." I said.

"Try me."

"Well, its like this." I started. "In order to play the game you have to mind your own business and not fuck with me or question anything I do. I have rules for this game. If I want something, I get it. Paula did not play the game and she paid the consequences. If she would have just cooperated, she would be alive today."

"Am I playing your game now?" Sam asked looked a little concerned.

"No." I replied. "But I can’t kill you. Not here, not now. But…if, or should I say when I get out of here, I will find you and show you how to play the game."

"Is that a threat?"

"No! It’s a promise!" I hissed. This guy was pissing me off.

"So you really think you’re going to escape?" Sam asked. I smiled and nodded. "You don’t think you will be caught again?"

"No."

"Why is that?"

"If I had not let my guard down the first time…I would not be here." I said. "I was fine for almost a year. Nobody ever caught me or even got close. But I was foolish enough to ask the wrong person for help."

"And who was that?"

"Her name was Julie Haskell. And believe me doc. If I ever find that bitch…I will kill her." I hissed.

Sam looked concerned.

VI
JULIE

I thought maybe I might have been dreaming at first. There was this angel that rescued me from the side of the road where God had left me to die. Everyone had abandoned me. Even my mom. I was not worthy of anyone’s love, even my own. I was on my way to hell until this angel rescued me. She picked my up and placed me in her chariot and was going to take me to a better place. A place of solitude and peace. A place where no one could ever hurt me again. A place where…

"…I can get you some help."

I snapped awake unaware of what was happening to me. I was lying back in the passenger seat of a car. A woman was driving and glancing over at me with concern. She made a half smile. I couldn’t speak. My throat was dry and I slowly reached up to touch it.

"Good, you’re still alive." The woman said. "I didn’t know how I would explain it to anyone if I had a corpse in the passenger seat of my car."

I should have told her that I wrote the book on the subject.

She handed me a bottle of spring water and I drank at it thirstily. She snatched it away from me and I glared at her. "Not so fast." She said. "Or you will puke it back up. Drink slowly." She returned the bottle to me. I noticed a tremble in her hand. She was scared. I drank more slowly and regained my composure as we drove onward.

"No hospitals." I finally managed to say. She looked at me curiously.

"I think your sick." She said. "I thought you were dead when I found you."

"I’m fine." I croaked. "My car broke down. I was walking to the nearest town to get help."

She laughed. "Then you were a dead man. The nearest town isn’t for a whole shitload of miles away in either direction."

"Well what was I supposed to do? Die without trying?" I snapped. "No hospitals."

"Okay." She said in a small intimidated voice. She looked back towards the road as I shut my eyes to contemplate this situation.

I was rescued from death by this nice woman. Kind of cute but not a raging beauty. She had an athletic body. Not really my type. All I wanted from her was her money and this car. If she played the game that would be all I would take.

I reached for the gun in my pants to discover it was gone. I groped at myself in a panic. The woman looked at me with a scared concern.

"What is it?" She asked.

"My gun."

Now she looked scared. "What gun?"

"I had a gun on me for protection and now its not here." I declared. I looked at her with rage.

"I don’t know." She said in a panic stopping the car. "I don’t like guns. They scare me." I quickly reasoned that the weapon must have fallen out of my pants back where I fell along side of the road. It was gone.

"Forget it." I said. "Don’t be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you. It was for me in case someone tried to assault me while I was on the road." She said nothing and looked at the steering wheel. "My name is Carter." I said. "Thank you for stopping for me. I thought I was a dead man."

The woman looked over timidly and smiled. "I’m Julie Haskell and I am glad I can help." She said. "Is there somewhere I can take you?"

"My car is dead." I told her. "And it is most urgent I get back to Maryland right away. It’s a matter of life or death." Julie looked at me as if I might have been joking and then smiled a bit. It was strange the way she smiled. As if she was partial to some piece of information that I was not aware of. "What?" I asked feeling the concern start to rise.

"You’re joking? Right?" she asked with that strange smile.

"No, I’m quite serious." I said without exuding humor. Julie looked back towards the road.

"Okay." She said and nothing more. This took me by surprise. I expected some kind of fight or resistance. She must have seen my look of surprise. "Don’t look so shocked Carter. I myself actually have no where to go."

"What?" I asked.

"I left home." She explained, not looking at me. "It was time for me to go my own anyway. I was starting to feel a little unwelcome, if you will."

"Yeah, I know how that feels." I confessed. She looked over at me again.

"Really?" She asked. I nodded not wanting to explain why. It wasn’t any of her business. Yet somehow, I knew she was going to play the game. "Anyway, I left my house yesterday with only what I could take with me and decided I would drive east till I found something that intrigued me." We locked stares. "Maryland eh? Call me intrigued."

I said nothing in awe of the situation. This was going to be too easy. Best of all, it meant that I wouldn’t have to hurt anyone to get back home. In sudden paranoia, I looked behind me as I had that feeling I was being watched again. There was nothing there. "Something wrong?" Julie asked.

"No." I responded quickly. "Nevermind. Without having to go into great detail, you might say I left home too. Only they didn’t want me to leave. In fact, they want me to come back real bad." Julie chuckled to herself but did not respond. This would be okay as I didn’t want to say anything more at this point.

Over the course of the afternoon I got Julie’s life story. This was also okay as I didn’t want to talk about me. Julie at the ripe age of twenty four decided to leave home after a big fight with her parents about everything from boyfriends to money to college. They just didn’t see eye to eye.

I suppose they did agree to disagree.

It seemed the only thing Julie and her parents agreed on was that everyone wanted Julie to leave and that her parents wanted her out. Poor thing. Everyone deserves a loving mother.

Julie was my free ride back home as long as she abided by the rules of the game. This concerned me as I though she might start getting nosy later on. I didn’t want to have to make her life a living hell, much less bring it to a close.

As the sun started setting behind us I felt a calm come over me. I felt as if I might be safe for a while. I started to think about "her" again. How would I explain all of this to her? My departure, my return? How would she react? How would I explain all of this to my mother as well who was probably worried sick.

I would cross that bridge when I get there. If I get there.

VII
CONFESSIONS

"Why do you want to kill Julie?" Sam asked. I glared at him and smiled. I wouldn’t be had so easy.

"Nevermind." I said. Thinking about the whole ordeal pissed me off.

"You brought it up." He retorted.

"Nevermind!" I hissed. "I’m sorry I said anything. I don’t want to talk about it."

"Is there anything you do want to talk about?"

"Not really." I said looking calmly off into one of the walls. Sam seemed to be studying me. Looking at me with those big brown eyes of his. I wondered if he was looking through me.

"What about California?"

"What about it?" I asked in defense.

"Does what happened out there bother you?"

"Should it?"

"I don’t know. I’m asking you if what you did, what happened to you out there bothers you." Sam changed his position in the chair again.

"I guess not."

"You guess not? You don’t sound sure."

"I suppose it depends on which part your asking about." I replied. "If your asking me about Paula and the cop, or any of the others then no…it doesn’t bother me. Steve bothered me. He still does."

"Why is that?"

"Its real easy to figure out Doc." I said getting perturbed that this man with a Ph.D could not put two and two together. "If there had been no Steve, then Paula would have been more…well, receptive. And then maybe I would not have had to punish her."

"So what you did to Paula was punishment?"

"Yes, it was." I answered in a low, psychotic tone just to rattle Sam’s chain.

"Murdering an innocent woman just because she wouldn’t be with you?" he asked.

"Yes."

"So you’re trying to tell me if there had been no Steve that Paula would have been all yours without complication?"

"Yes."

Sam changed his position. "I don’t think so." He said. This irked me. I felt my posture go stiff with rage. "If there had been no Steve then I’m sure it would have been someone else."

"Well then." I reasoned back with him. "Then it would have been and Paula would still have to have been punished.. So I guess what happened was inevitable, wasn’t it?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe, maybe not." He replied. "Tell me, what was so special about Paula that mad you want to have her so bad?"

I laughed. "Oh Doc, that it a long, long story that I don’t really want to tell you."

"Well give me the short version."

I looked at him briefly and started. "She looked like someone that meant a lot to me at one time. Only I couldn’t have her anymore. But somehow, Paula was different, almost better. I loved Paula. I wanted her to love me the same way. But she didn’t. Because of Steve."

"Who is this girl that Paula reminded you of?" He asked. He was way to calm.

"A girl I used to be involved with who meant the world to me. Only something happened to her and I had to leave."

"What happened to her?"

"She was raped."

Sam looked a bit surprised as if he was taken off guard. "Oh really? I’m sorry. I had no idea. Did what happen to her bother you?"

"I guess you could say that."

"So you left her?"

"Her and the whole damn town."

"You moved away?"

"Yeah. To California as a matter of fact." I said with a certain amount of smirk.

"Okay. I think I’m beginning to understand." Sam said. "You were living here in Maryland. You had a nice girlfriend but she was raped and you couldn’t handle it. So you ran away to California to get away from her. Sounds a little extreme don’t you think?"

"Maybe." I replied.

"Is there more?"

"Isn’t there always?" I asked sarcastically. Sam shifted again.

"So what did you leave out?" Sam asked me, looking deep into my eyes.

"Nothing really. Minor details that don’t bear mentioning."

Sam smiled and chuckled. "Really?" He asked. "So what happened to the rapist? Did he go to jail? Was he punished for his crime?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that too."

"This man who raped your girlfriend was punished for his crime? Correct?" Sam asked leaning forward.

"Yes." I replied leaning forward also. "He was punished."

"What happened to him?" Sam asked practically cutting off my answer.

"Hell if I know."

"I think you do."

"Maybe." I said. There was silence. Sam was glaring at me now. "I guess you could say that I’ve seen him around."

"Have you now?" Sam asked half smiling. Exactly the same way Julie did when she first picked me up. The "I Know Something" smile.

"Yes, I have. He’s been following me around out in California, and back here. I think he’s stalking me." I said locking Sam’s stare again.

"Why do you think that?"

"He’s mad."

"Mad?"

"Well, pissed off is probably more accurate."

"Why?"

"Cause of some things I did to him. He wants revenge. And I’m not going to let him have it. He’s got to stop this stalking this and chasing me around all over the place. It’s making my life a living hell. The only reason I came back was to stop him. Once and for all."

"Why couldn’t you have stopped him out in California?"

"It wasn’t possible. I had to talk to "her" first."

"Your old girlfriend?"

"Yes. She would know for certain or not if he was really following me around or not."

"How would she know?"

"She just would." I think I finally baffled Sam. He made some more notes.

"Its my understanding you have already seen your old girlfriend. Talked to her. Isn’t that where the police picked you up? At her house?"

That did it! He pissed me off! I jumped up from the table and shouted at him. "Shut up! Don’t bring her into this! None of this is her fault. She was just an innocent victim in this whole ugly thing between me and "Him"."

"What thing?"

I sat back down. "It went on forever. This punk always had a thing for my girl. You see he was in love with her too only she only considered their relationship a ‘friendship’ status. He wanted more than that and she wouldn’t give it to him. But on the same token she insisted on remaining friends with him because they had known each other so long. He constantly sent her love letters, flowers, gifts, you name it. He was also constantly telling her how much he loved her and how much he had to be with her. At the same time, telling her to get rid of me as he thought I was no good for her. He even went as far as to make up lies about me so she would dump me. It didn’t work though. She did see right through it, but she did remain friends with him!

"Then one day when I was supposed to go over to her house for dinner with her and her parents she went to see him as he had something he wanted to show here. He raped her and I found her at his house in a tattered mess. I took her back home and then he showed up there and denied the whole thing. He was arrested anyway and then confessed to the whole thing. I knew however the courts were not going to punish him the way he should be punished. He would get a slap on the wrist for being a first time offender and walk free. That and the fact that she forgave him for what he did to her. When she did, he had gotten what he wanted and then she was unclean. Another man had been inside her and I couldn’t be with her after that. He got away with murder and so did I!"

Same continued to glare. "You did?"

"I punished him the way he should have been punished when I found her at his house that day this whole thing happened. I set that fucker up to meet me in the middle of a field in the middle of no where. I chained his ass up and cut his dick off and made him eat it and then I blew his fucking head apart. And God saw the whole thing!" I jumped up and started to prance around the room. "God was watching that night. His eye was there and it cast enough light for me to see by. Don’t you get it? God wanted me to take his life in retaliation for what he did. God helped me! God helped me murder this man! And somehow this man has come back from the dead and is following me around. I have to find him before he finds me." I looked down at Sam who was unaffected by this whole thing.

And then I realized what had happened and where I was. I turned to look into the big mirror on the wall and the cops who were standing on the other side listening to me confess to yet another murder.

VIII
MOTEL

We drove through the night and into the next day. Taking turns driving while the other slept. It didn’t work out as well as we had hoped. So just outside Denver, Colorado we stopped at a hotel to get cleaned up and rest. Julie and I had an unspoken trust that if we played the game the right way, neither one of us would get hurt. She wanted companionship and I wanted a way back home. We were basically using each other.

We found some cheap motel in a back water town to stay at for a while. It was here I was finally able to get some peaceful rest. Until nightmares woke me up. I had dreamed that my mother was out casting me the same way my father did before he left. The one person I had depended on had turned me away. I was on the verge of tears when I awoke. I also discovered that Julie was not in the room.

Right away my guard was back up and I jumped off the bed. "Julie?" I called out. No answer. "Julie?" I walked over to the window and pulled the curtain back enough to peek through it. Across the street in a phone booth was Julie talking to someone on the phone. I didn’t like this. What if she had figured out who I really was and was turning me in?

She hung up the phone and started back across the street towards the hotel. I retreated back to the bed and looked around in a panic. I would not be taken this easily after everything that I had been through. Eventually she opened the door and close it behind her.

"Who the hell as that?" I demanded in a low tone. Julie jumped and whirled around to face me.

"Jesus H. Christ Carter! You scared the shit out of me." She sighed. I raised an eyebrow.

"Why? Paranoid?" I asked. She just stood there and looked at me with confusion. "Who was that you just called?"

"No one."

I grabbed her by her shoulders. "Tell me! Did you call the police?" I asked in a hiss.

"Why would I call the police Carter? What is the matter with you?" She pleaded. The anger passed and I was just looking at her blankly.

"Nothing." I said and let her go. She fell back on the bed and sat down. With hurt eyes she looked up at me as if I had betrayed her.

"What’s going on with you Carter. Why are you so scared? Are you running from someone?"

"Don’t worry about it." I advised.

"What do you mean don’t worry about it? What really going on here? Are you in some kind of trouble?" She asked frightened.

"To many questions. Mind your own business." I stated flatly standing in the middle of the room looking off into space trying to figure out what to do next.

"You know everything about me and I don’t know shit about you!" She insisted. I cracked a half smile.

"I like it that way."

"It’s not very fair."

"Hey. I didn’t ask for your life’s story, did I?" I asked. "You offered it to me. I didn’t realize I was obligated to have to tell you mine."

"Sor-ry!" She spat. "I thought maybe you were someone worth getting to know. I didn’t realize I was helping some jerk!"

My eyes widened with anger. "I thought you knew how to play the game." I whispered. "Was I wrong?"

Julie was silent then looking down at her feet. "Listen." She began. "I just want to help you. If you are in some kind of trouble, let me help you."

"There’s nothing you can do." I said looking out the window for signs of police. Just in case. "Who did you call?" I asked again in a harder tone.

"It was my best friend back home." She confessed. "I just wanted to tell her I was okay and not to worry. You can understand that cant you?"

"What was wrong with the phone in here?" I asked looking back at her. She glanced back up.

"I didn’t want to wake you." She smiled a bit and looked back down to the floor.

I felt like shit now. She started to weep a little bit. I went and sat next to her. "I’m sorry." I whispered. "Yes, I am in some trouble. The details aren’t important and its probably better you don’t know what they are. I do need to get back to Maryland to settle some things before they catch up with me. Its important. I have some things I have to say to someone who was very important to me once. I left her without a word of warning and hurt her very badly. I have to make it right and tell her how sorry I am before its to late. Or she may never know." I looked down at the floor as Julie put her arm around me.

"Carter, its okay. You don’t have to tell me anything. I’ll help you get home. I promise." She hugged me and I let her. Human compassion was really nice. I would take all I could get. "Come on." She said. "Let’s get you home."

IX
AFTERMATH

I was looking at Sam in a completely silent room. Nobody spoke. I had just dug my grave deeper. I was waiting to see if the cops were going to come busting into the room to arrest me, again. No one came.

Something wrong?" Sam asked. I just looked at him with disgust.

"Is this what you wanted?" I asked. "To get me to confess to another murder? Fine, you got me! I did it!" I turned to face the mirror. "I murdered the fuck who raped my girlfriend!" I turned back to Sam. "Hell, I could show you where the grave site is. Where I disposed of the gun. Everything! And why not! I’m going to fry anyway!"

"Maybe. Maybe not. You may not be competent enough to stand trial right now." I glared at him with sarcasm.

"Are you telling me I’m crazy?" I asked.

Sam shook his head. "Crazy is such a general word. It gets used a lot in books and movies. The real world is an entirely different story. I think you have some serious problems that need treating."

I was really angry at this little man now. Passing judgment on me the way he was. He had no right. He didn’t know or understand the whole story. "I’m not crazy." I repeated.

"I never used the word crazy." Sam explained. "Let me explain this to you so you can understand. You seem to have a problem with reality. You have this alter world you live in where everything and everybody centers around yourself. Normally, a little bit of this is okay. Nut what I’m seeing here is an obsession with making sure you get what you want, when you want it, at any cost. Any cost. This isn’t what we would call healthy. I’m not calling you sick or crazy. You are just having a problem dealing with reality as you seem to have retreated into your own world. I think you are stuck there and cannot find you way out. I’m here to help you find a way out so you can be at peace with yourself. And everything that has happened to you."

I just stared at him. How dare he sit there and tell me these things. He knew nothing. Sam waved his hand up in the air and within seconds, police were back in the room putting me in handcuffs again. There was nothing I could do. I was helpless.

"This isn’t over Doc." I warned. "I would watch my back if I were you." I smiled a very evil smile.

Sam smiled back pleasantly. "You’re right about one thing. This isn’t over. We will be spending a lot of time together in the near future."

I was escorted from the room and back to my cell. I said nothing nor did I resist. I wasn’t dumb. I knew what was going to happen now. They were going to lock me up in some kind of mental hospital for criminals. I had to get out of here. I could not spend the rest of my days drugged up in an insane asylum.

I had to find a way out of here.

I wasn’t in my cell five minutes when the fat pig who harassed me earlier came back down for a visit. I turned away from him when he approached.

"I knew you were guilty boy." He sneered. "I knew you whacked that boy who raped your poor little girlfriend." I turned to him with fire in my eyes. He was pushing all the wrong buttons. "That day we come to your house to arrest that punk, I knew you would do something rash. You had this temper and I knew you just wouldn’t leave well enough alone. And when the two of you disappeared last year I knew it was foul play. Probably on your part. And now I have you." He laughed then and I lunged at him. The bars of the cell separated us. The pig stood back and shook his head. I thought maybe I might have been growling. "I pity you boy. You are in for so much hell even before you reach California. You will not leave here till I am through with you."

"Fuck you." I spat glaring at the fat fuck. I would make this pig drink his own blood before I died.

"You’ve been bad boy." He taunted. "There ain’t nobody around to help you now. Nobody wants you. You’re girl don’t want you, your family don’t want you, even Julie…" then he paused and laughed. "I can’t believe that someone as cunning as you have been fell for such an obvious ploy."

"Shut up!" I hissed.

"What’s the matter?" Am I bruising you ego?" He teased. The only reason you didn’t get away with anything you did is because you were stupid enough to let your guard down. But don’t worry, that’s okay. It was inevitable. You couldn’t run forever. Somebody would have caught you sooner or later." The smirk on his face was unbearable. I wanted to rip his head off and use it for a football.

"You are right about one thing." I sneered. "I was stupid enough to let my guard down. It just goes to show you can’t trust anyone. The only person I ever depended on was myself. And that’s why that faggot who raped my girl is dead. I knew that you and every other legal beagle couldn’t be trusted to do the right thing. To punish that fuck for what he did. What I did was just and deserved." I looked into a place deep in his eyes. "Maybe if you were more like me…the world would be a better place."

The cop was not smiling. It was my turn to crack the smile. I laughed then. "Yes," I continued. "If you were more like me…you’d be perfect!"

The cop snorted. "You really are crazy." He said shaking his head. "I wouldn’t even compare the skid marks in my underwear to you. You are evil, right to the core. In all my years of police work I have never seen anyone as deranged as you. And I guess I didn’t see it until now. They’ll put you away in a safe place for a very long time and boy do I feel sorry for you. If you think you’re in hell now…you ain’t see anything yet." And then the cop started to walk away.

"I want to see Julie." I yelled. The cop stopped but did not turn around.

"Why?" He asked in a hard tone. I laughed lowly to myself.

"There are some things that I uh…want to say to her before she leaves the state." I said. The cop turned around with a serious look on his face.

"Forget it." He said crossing his arms. "I wouldn’t let you near her if she were even in the building. Besides, she already has left the state. Her job is done here."

He didn’t look me in the eyes when he said that. It led me to believe he was lying. Julie was in Maryland. She just wouldn’t come near me as she was afraid. She knew if I ever saw her again. I would kill her for her betrayal.

X
HOME

It took only two more days to reach the Maryland State line. We drove non stop. I had insisted that it be this way and Julie agreed. She really wanted to see me get home to "her". I had no idea why her enthusiasm and she seemed content not to know.

It was early morning when we crossed the state line. It would only be a couple more hours till we were in the town I had left over a year ago. I was starting to get nervous…almost scared. Before the day was over I would see "Her" and my family again. I still had no clue what I was going to say. I decided that I would just make it up as I went and see what happened.

"You okay?" Julie asked. I must have been fidgeting. I looked over to her and smiled a bit.

"Yeah." I admitted. "I don’t know what to say. The must be a thousand butterflies in my stomach."

"It’ll be okay." She assured speeding up the car a bit. I glanced out the windshield to see an unmarked Chevy Caprice sitting on the traffic island.

Undercover cop. And we were speeding a little bit. I was really nervous now. "Slow down!" I hissed. "I don’t want the cops to stop us!"

"Nobody’s going to stop us. We’re not really speeding." She reasoned. But as she said this I turned around to see the cop pull out into traffic and speed up.

"Shit!" I spat. Julie glanced in the rearview mirror with big open eyes.

"Whoops." She said. The cop caught up with us and a little blue light on the dashboard lit up.

"NO!" I yelled. "I didn’t come this far to get caught now!"

"Caught?" Julie asked. I saw another cop behind us. This one was marked and his lights and siren were going off in full force.

I was in trouble. It was over. They had me now.

Maybe.

"Speed up!" I ordered. Julie started to panic.

"Carter, I can’t out run a cop in this car." She sputtered. "I don’t want to get caught either. Lets just see what they want."

I looked around again. Two cops had somehow turned into four. "What the HELL is going on here!" I shouted to myself. This was not possible. How could they known I was coming? It didn’t make any sense. I looked over at Julie who was sweating now. "Look, its me they want." I said. "I’m wanted for murder." Julie looked at me with wide shocked eyes. "I’m sorry. I wish you weren’t involved."

"I’m not!" She declared in an angry tone. "And I don’t want you in my car anymore!" She began to slow down. "I want you out of here and out of my life!"

Without thinking I reached out and smashed her head into the door window. It shattered with the force. Julie fell unconscious. The car swerved around as I pulled her out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. She was bleeding a little bit when I looked over at her to see if she was alive. She moaned.

Behind me at least six or seven police were screaming at me with their sirens and blinding me with their lights. I sped up in hopes of out running them.

"Pull over!" A voice over a loudspeaker said. "If you pull over now no one will be hurt."

"Bullshit." I said to myself and proceeded to drive faster weaving in and out of traffic. Fortunately people wee already pulling over and out of the way. It must have been the sound of the police sirens.

The car was floored and the cops were still right behind me. It was clear that this little car was not going to outrun a pack of police cruisers. I also knew that somewhere down the road a roadblock was awaiting me.

I was fucked.

In the distance I could see the roadblock I was anticipating. It was on the opposite end of a bridge that crossed the span of a big river. I couldn’t’ stop or turn in another direction. In a matter of seconds I was going to collide into a barricade of police cars. I looked at Julie who was semi-conscious and then back to the road in front of me. I was on the bridge now and the police behind me had backed off. I knew once I hit the roadblock at this speed, I was probably going to die.

So I did what an sane person would do.

I turned the wheel sharply and burst through the side of the bridge. I felt my stomach in my throat as the G-Forces pushed my pace up into a prune. I watched the water of the river through the windshield as I anticipated the collision.

I prayed for safety when I felt the car impact with the cold water. I was thrown forward sending my head into the windshield.

"DADDY…STOP"
>SLAM<
"This is what you get…"
>SLAM<
Into the wall.
"…For not…"
>SLAM<
"…playing the game…"
>SLAM<
Thrown to the ground.
"I love you son…"
Daddy kicks me.
Blackness

XI
ANNA

It wasn’t to long before someone else had come to visit me after the cop left. It was somebody I had not expected. Somebody I didn’t think cared at this point. Not a lawyer or a public defender, or even Julie.

It was "her".

And what she brought with her took me completely by surprise. Or maybe I should say who she brought with her.

We stood there and looked at each other for several minutes without saying a word. I looked at who she had brought with her and then back at her. Finally she spoke.

"You really do look so…different." She managed. "I didn’t notice it the first time. But now, just looking at you, you’re so different. Yet in a way, you haven’t changed at all." She paused and looked at who she had brought with her. "I don’t know. I can’t explain it."

"You’re looking at a murderer." I whispered. She turned away to hide the tears. "Is this how you pictured a man who has killed?" I asked.

"Stop." She gasped. "I can’t believe that." She turned around and glared at me. "But somewhere deep inside I knew." Her tone grew hard. "I knew you murdered "him". There was no other explanation for the disappearance for either of you. The way you talked about it, obsessed with it. You couldn’t let any of it go. Any of it. It pushed you over the edge, didn’t it? And now look at you and this mess you’re in." She stopped.

"I never forgot about you." I offered gently. She started to cry again.

Some things really didn’t change.

"You didn’t even say goodbye!" She charged. "I got a phone call at three in the morning when you told me you loved me and that was it! What the hell kind of way was that to say goodbye?"

"I couldn’t tell you." I began. She cut me off.

"Tell me what? That you murdered my best friend?" She screamed. The person she was with was starting to become restless. It still as a knife in my heart to hear her say shit like this about the guy who raped her.

"There!" I barked. "That’s the thing I could never get over. The way that fuck did what he did to you and the way you forgave him like he accidentally ran into you. You were always so devoted to "him" and his feeling before you considered mine. Even after he raped you!"

"Bullshit!" She spat. "You just never understood our relationship!"

"Goddamn right!"

"He was always there for me. Even before I met you!" I turned away. This was going to hurt to hear. "Look at me!" She snapped. I glanced at her. "Whenever I needed someone, he was always there. He made one mistake. One mistake and now he’s dead. You killed him. Tell me, do you feel better now? A handful of people are dead now because you don’t know how to deal with your anger. Are they gone now? The demons in your head that scream in your ears at night?"

I looked at her with the face I know I get when I mean business. When I mean to kill. She was taken aback. "You don’t know." I began. "You just have no idea…do you? Those demons you speak of were never there until now. And they aren’t in my head. They’re following me around. He’s out there you know. You so called best friend. He wears a trenchcoat and sunglasses. He’s following me, watching me, waiting for me get what’s coming to me." She stared at me in disbelief. "That’s why I had to come back. To make sure he’s really dead! Funny, I never made it to his grave site. I hear they never found him." I laughed. "I know where he is. They’ll never find him."

"Where is he?" She asked desperately.

I laughed and shook my head. "I won’t tell." I jeered. "Besides, what do you care?"

"I have to know."

"Ha! I don’t think the old boy is up for company right now. He’s feeling a little unhealthy you see. Dirt naps will do that to a guy. Either way, he won’t be joining us for the rest of his life."

"You need help." She said softly with sympathy. "You are really sick."

"Is that why you came down here?" I asked. "To kick me while I’m down? To gloat while I rot behind these bars? To make sure I am suffering for what I did?"

"No." She whispered.

"Well then whatever it is I don’t want to know. So you can take your little friend here and get the hell out because as much as I love you, if you’re not here to help then I don’t need any of this."

She was crying again. "I just wanted her to see." She managed.

"Her who?"

"Anna." She said holding up a baby carrier with baby inside. "Your daughter."

XII
"HER"

When the car struck the water I did not go unconscious. The windshield had shattered upon impact. It only took seconds for the car to fill up with the ice cold water. I gasped for one huge breath and went under. I couldn’t see but knew I only had seconds to get out before I was dead and this whole trip would have been for nothing.

I forgot about Julie and left her for dead. She turned on me anyway. She did not understand me at all like I though she did. She chose not to play the game.

I felt for the open hole of the windshield and slid my way out as the car started to sink father down. I pushed my way upwards thinking I was never going to reach the top. I couldn’t hold my breath for much longer. I started to lose concept of direction. I couldn’t tell if I was going up down or sideways. I could feel the seconds ticking knowing that I would hitch a breath at anytime and get a lung full of water. What seems like hours later, I still could not find the surface.

Your time is now I heard "his" voice say.
No I told myself
Hell is waiting
No
Come on home
no
were all waiting for you down here
breathe
yes, breathe
come on home

I hitched in a breath waiting to feel the rush of cold water inside my body. As I did I shot up out of the water.

I gasped in several breaths while looking around me. I was under the bridge.

The cops would be down here soon. I had to go. I swam very fast for the rocks at the other end of the bridge. No one was down here yet. I pulled myself up onto the rocks and sat perfectly still. All I heard was the sound of dogs barking. I looked back over where the car had landed and saw light from beneath the water. Headlights.

I saw the forest behind and made a mad dash for the tree line and disappeared. I ran fast and hard never looking behind me. I wasn’t that far from my hometown. Only about an hour or so by car. I could make it! I had to make it! My sanity depended on it!

When I came out of the other side of the forest I still had no clue where exactly I was. I was still wet but my hair was fairly dry. I stood before a very big and open field and towards the horizon I knew was a city. Probably the one right before my hometown. I had a bad feeling I would be seeing a police helicopter before to long.

As I walked I tried to determine how the cops knew I was coming. Was it for the murder here or out west? Did Julie have anything to do with it? She must have. Well, maybe. I never actually told her I murdered anyone until after the fact.

I just didn’t get it. For now all I had to do was get away. Get back home to settle some things.

I reached the outskirts of the city unscathed. It was a suburb of some sorts. I needed a vehicle or some faster way to get around unnoticed. The cops would definitely catch up to me if I was to stay on foot much longer.

I walked for a while and eventually came upon an abandoned car on the side of the road. There was a tag on the side of it that said the owner would be back for it later with a tow truck. I would have this car. It was locked. So I broke the passenger side window and unlocked it. I learned at an early age how to hot wire a car so this was not a hard task. However the damn car would not start. I opened the hood and tried to figure it out for myself.

Seeing I fancied myself a bit of a mechanic it only took about ten minutes to figure out that the gasoline filter was clogged. I hooked the gas line up directly and the car started right up. With careful driving I was out of that town and into my hometown before the hour was over.

The first place I went to was my house. I parked down the road though to scout for cops that might be waiting for me here. I saw nothing obvious and approached the front door and knocked. I thought I would surprise mom! Although I had no idea what I was going to say to her. It was some older lady I did not recognize. She looked at me cautiously as I am sure I was looking more than roughed up.

"Can I help you?" she asked politely. I looked at the house number on the porch. It was the correct house.

"Maybe." I said. "I used to live here and I was looking for my mother." I told her the name. The elderly lady seemed to relax a little bit.

"I’m sorry dear. The people who used to live here moved out about six months ago. I have no idea where they went."

"People?" I asked.

"Yes. The woman you asked about and a young girl and her baby." She replied. I was stunned. I had no sister or any other siblings.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Oh, quite sure." She replied. "I spoke to them once when we closed the deal on this house. Very nice people. But your mother…she seemed sad in a way. It was her eyes. The way she looked at this house when she talked about it." I could feel the guilt rising up from within me. "I don’t remember your mom mentioning a son. Although she did have a picture of a young man who resembled you on her fireplace mantel."

"I left home about a year ago to pursue career interests on the other coast. We really didn’t say goodbye I suppose." I explained…lying. The woman smiled at me.

"That’s all I know hon."

"Would it be okay if I looked at your phone book before I go?" I asked. "Maybe I can find out where she went." The elderly woman fetched the phone book. I could not find anything. I thanked the woman and left.

I went straight to "her" house.. now my heart was really racing. I would finally see "her" again after all these months.

When I reached her house memories came back to me in a flood of pain and pleasure. If my heart rate was any faster I’m sure I would have died. There was no car in the driveway. But I did not let that stop me. I approached the door and knocked.

It was answered.

She stood there. Exactly as I had remembered her. Her blond hair was longer now and she looked older. But she was still the same. I was frozen. No words. Just feelings and emotions long forgotten. I felt love.

When she opened the door she just stared. Her eyes slowly bugged open as her hands slowly came up to her mouth in shock. Water flooded her eyes as the tears formed.

"Oh my God." She whispered. "You’re alive." We came together in a hug that was so tight, neither one of us could breath. For a long time we stood there. Eventually she eased her way back, her face covered with tears. We kissed then. Long and hard. The taste of her kisses was the water of life which I soaked up like a dry sponge to water. The softness and warmth of her body. The smell of her hair. The way she felt in my arms. I had no problems, no troubles, there were no other people in the world. It was just she and I.

It was the closest thing to perfect.

And then it was over.

"What the hell happened to you?" She demanded. And then she asked if I knew anything about the disappearance of the rapist.

"All in time." I assured her. I studied her. Soaking up her image knowing that somewhere deep inside that this was probably the last time I would be alone with her for a long time to come. "I can’t find my mother." I said. "Do you have any idea what happened to her?"

She looked away from me towards the floor. "Yeah, I know where she is." She replied. "Where were you?"

"Later." I said. "Where’s mom?"

"No, I want to know where you’ve been. The both of you disappearing at the same time is more than coincidence. One of you killed the other. I know it."

"I was on the other coast in California. I had to get away from here." I explained.

"Without saying goodbye or taking me with you?"

"I couldn’t take you with me. And I did call you the morning I left. Remember? I told you that I would love you no matter what?"

"You call that a goodbye?" She griped. "Forget that. I want to know if you killed "him" or not. Did you?" Now I looked away. I didn’t want to lie to her. But I didn’t want to confess wither. "Oh God." She whispered. "You did. You really did. You even told me you were going to do it."

"It’s like I said. Anybody can get away with murder." I said. She started to cry. I held her.

"This is all so wrong." She cried. "Why did you come back?"

"My turn. Where my mother?"

She was silent. I felt as if she had been avoiding the question. "Not far from here. I’ll take you to see her. Now why are you here?"

"To settle an old score." I said. "Tell me where my mom is. I need to see her. Now!" She looked up at me with fear in her eyes.

She shook her head. "We need to wait till later. It’s to early right now." That made absolutely no sense. What did time have to do with anything? She reached out for me again and I held her. It was heavenly. "I’ve missed you." She whispered. "I always hoped maybe you would come back if you were alive." There was silence then. I glanced casually out the window in time to see a shadow shift in the yard.

WARNING.

Somebody was here. Without thinking I grabbed her and moved her behind me as the front door was kicked open and police flooded the room. All armed with pistols pointed directly at me. "She" was screaming.

"Don’t hurt her!" I yelled. One man in a suit came up to me and threw me to the floor. I felt his foot on my back as he held me down with his weight. There were at least three guns up to my head and a voice said,

"Don’t move you son of a bitch. Don’t even breathe."

Then I watched a woman walk up to me. I looked up at her to see a very roughed up female who look like she had the shit beat out of her.

It was Julie.

"You fucker!" She spat. "You left me to die in that river. I don’t take very kindly to being left for dead!" She kicked me in the jaw. I felt my mouth fill with the taste of blood as the world went hazy.

The last thing I heard was an order to have me cuffed and taken out of the house.

XIII
APOCALYPSE

Daughter.

I have a daughter. A child of my own flesh and blood. I thought I was going to faint when she said this. I had to sit down on the cot in my cell. I looked at the small child in the carrier. So innocent. So helpless. I wanted to hold her.

You don’t deserve to hold her!

"Anna?" I asked. She nodded. "It’s a beautiful name."

"I remember you told me that once. Along time ago that you liked that name. I thought you were dead. It was a tribute to you. To name your child with a name you liked." She smiled at the child.

"How?" I asked. "How is this possible?"

"Don’t you remember the last time we made love? It wasn’t to long before the rape. It was the last time I felt truly close to you. It was the last time we shared something special. I have peace knowing Anna was conceived in love." She explained. And then I put two and two together.

"How do you know it isn’t "His"?"

"The doctors say I was already pregnant before the rape. I found out the day I went to the doctors after the rape. I didn’t tell you then. I had plans to tell you the day you left." She explained. "Besides, she has your eyes. Nobody knows those better than me."

It was words like that, that caused long periods of silence between us. The hint that maybe there was still something left between us. She still knew me. Or at least the person I was. I smiled at the child.

The look on "her" face went back to the emotionless way it was when she first arrived. "I came to tell you two things." She stated. "Anna was the first. The second thing is I wanted to tell you about your mother."

She had my attention then. "What about my mother?" I asked getting defensive. She looked away again.

"I don’t really know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to be blunt and I’m only going to tell you once." I nodded. "When you left your mother was devastated. She had no idea why you left, or where you went, or even if you were alive. About the same time I started to show with Anna, your mom got sick. I mean really sick. It turned out to be sever lung cancer. From all her smoking." I nodded again feeling myself start to cry. "I went to stay with her for a little while because she had no one. I wanted her to know her granddaughter." Now "She" was starting to get upset. "Your mom refused treatment. She didn’t want to live the rest of her life sick, dependent on everyone else. So she let herself go." She looked at me with much sincerity now. "She thought you were dead. She used to cry herself to sleep not knowing what happened to you. You were her world and I don’t even think you had a clue. When you left, it killed your mom. I was with her when she dies. I held her hand when she went. The last thing she asked for was you. She wanted her son…her only child." I wiped the tears from my eyes. She looked away from me to do the same. "You should also know that your mom knew Anna. She saw your eyes in your child. But it wasn’t the same." She turned to face me with anger. "I might have been able to forgive you for what you did to me. Leaving without a clue as to your whereabouts, but what you did to your mom was just plain cruel. You killed your mom. Maybe not on purpose, but you killed her. I don’t think you can help yourself. It’s like this killing is in your blood and I don’t want Anna to know that kind of a father." This was tearing me apart on the inside. I didn’t think I could take much more. I watched the side of her mouth form a small sly grin, and then she chuckled. "Your father, my God."

"What?" I asked in panic, remembering suddenly the awful flashbacks I had been having of my father since this whole thing began.

"I know you don’t remember. But your mom thought you were dead, and she told me what really happened to your father."

"He left us when I was a child." I whispered.

"That’s what your mom wanted you to remember. But that’s not what really happened." She said almost in the same whisper I had used. "He’s dead. He’s been dead since you were a child and that’s what your mother wanted you to think, but what really happened is that he was killed."

"That’s not right." I insisted. "I have no memory of this."

"I know you don’t. Your mom said you blocked it out as a child. You spent a lot of time in the hospital after your fathers death. You were a very abused little boy, and you have my pity." She offered looking down. "You’re father abused you so bad that you just don’t remember it, but I think your unconscious remembers."

"No."

"Yes, its all true. The stories your mom told me of what happened to you and her made me sick to my stomach. The rape, the abuse, the beatings, the incest…" She paused as if she were going to be sick. "The things your father made you do…I..I can’t…"

"No." I whispered.

"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD"
Make daddy pay.
Save mommy.
Play the game.
Make daddy pay.
Mommy is upstairs crying.
She is bleeding.
Pay...
Daddy must pay...
That’s what daddy say’s is right
Make them pay...
"What are you doing son?"
Make him pay...Mommy is bleeding again.
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD"
"I told you never to touch that! Give that to daddy NOW!"
Make him pay...
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD"
"YOU GIVE THAT FUCKING THING TO ME RIGHT NOW YOU LITTLE SHIT OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL MAKE YOU PAY"
Pay...
Mommy...bleeding
PAY!
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD..."
"This is not how to play the game son..."
Reaches for me
Make him pay...NOW
PAY!
Gunfire.
Loud.
Blood.
"BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD"
Daddy does not get up.
Made him pay.
Made daddy pay.
Mommy is coming.
"Oh my God…what have you done?"
"Made daddy pay Mommy!"
"On my God, Oh my God…NOOOOOOOOO"
"Play the game Mommy…make daddy pay"
Mommy takes the gun from me.
Mommy puts it daddy’s hands
Mommy calls the police

"I killed my father." I whispered. "I remember…"

"Yes, you did, and your mom made it look like he killed himself." She finished. "You were taken to a hospital after that where it was determined that your father had sexually abused you for years."

"No."

"Yes!" She insisted. "I know you don’t remember, but you will. I think this is where all your problems came from."

"No." I whispered again staring off into space.

"Regardless, it had let me to a very difficult decision." She said. "We, Anna and myself can never see you again. I won’t subject myself or my daughter to your way of life. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but you brought it on yourself. Besides your probably going to jail forever. I’m going to move on and say goodbye to you. The way you said goodbye to me…without warning and for my own personal selfish reasons."

She picked up my daughter and proceeded to leave. But then she turned around to face me for the last time. "How does it feel?" She asked me. "To be on the receiving end?"

I just stared at her with tears streaming down my face. I fell to my cot as she left. I never saw her again.

And it would be a long time before I acknowledged another human being.

XIV
CAUGHT

I came to in the back of a police cruiser in shackles. My hands and feet were cuffed as to prevent me from moving at all. On top of this travesty I had a splitting headache and my mouth was sore. The bleeding seemed to have stop some.

I moaned a bit in agony. Somebody in the front seat turned to face me, staring at me through the wire mesh that separated the fronts seats from the rear. I looked drearily up to see it was Julie staring back at me.

I glared at her with a kind of sarcasm. "A cop." I muttered. "How do ya fucking like that shit!"

"Not exactly a cop." She replied. She was looking at me in disgust.

"Well who the hell are you then?" I asked hoarsely. She chuckled and then looked back towards the road. I could see the police car in front of us. I looked behind us to see one following.

"I…am your worst nightmare." She replied.

I laughed at her. Hard. "Sure. Whatever. You’re a woman. The only nightmare you’d be in doll is the one where I would have to put my dick in that carcass you call a body."

Julie bellowed with laughter. "Say what you will little man, but remember this. It was this woman that captured your sorry ass where others failed." The cop who was driving shot her a look as if he had somehow been offended.

"A temporary set back, I assure you." I claimed. Julie laughed again.

"I wouldn’t bet the farm on that pal." She sneered. "There’s nobody here to help you. You see, I was hired by the husband of one of your victims out in California. Somebody who was on to you from the very start." I thought about this for a second and could not figure out who it was.

"I’ll bite." I said.

"Don’t worry about it." She said. We turned into the garage of a big building which I assumed to be the county lockup.

I decided for my own benefit that now was not the time for confrontation or argument. I had to plan my strategy very carefully if I was to get out of this mess in one piece. I allowed the police to take me to a jail cell. I played their game knowing that I could still win. You see, at the same time they were playing my game which meant that in the end they would lose. I was content with this logic.

So I waited in this dingy little cell. The only people who came were the ones who wanted to process me. The fingerprints, the mug shots, the whole nine yards. Cooperating fully, I was smirking the whole time.

And then I was back in my cell and it wasn’t even noon yet. I asked for some paper and something to write with giving some dumb excuse that I wanted to write a letter. Seeing I was already under close guard they reluctantly agreed.

So now I am going to tell my story.

Soon the apocalypse will come.

I have to get started so that the world with know something that they did not before.

That there really is a fine line that separates out two worlds.

My reality. And your fantasy.

XV
REVELATION

daddy.

i turn to face my daughter.

anna, baby.

she is not a baby. She is a little girl. Pink dress, ponytails, holding a bouquet of daisies.

i love you daddy.

i love you too sweetheart.

i hold open my arms to scoop her up. But I can not reach her. She is restrained. A man is holding her back. ‘he’ is holding her up in the air.

she belongs to us, ‘he’ says.

noooooooooo.

anna pulls a pistol out of the bouquet of daisies and holds it to his head. She fires three times. ‘he’ falls to the ground in a pool of blood. anna is now older at least sixteen or seventeen. full figured, very attractive.

did I do it right daddy? did I kill him right?

anna, don’t.

she begins to undress revealing her body to me.

do you want to celebrate daddy?

‘she’ appears, looking the same way she did right after she had been raped.

look what you’ve done to your daughter, ‘she’ screams. anna is lying on a bed handcuffed to the head board. Her neck is twisted as if it has been broken.

several voices are cheering. the daisies on the ground have turned into faces. the faces of all the people I murdered. they are laughing at me, mocking me. they are enjoying my pain.
shut up!

i stomp on the flower-faces shutting them up myself. i look underneath my feet and see only one flower with the face of my mother in suffering

son, why? why did you kill me? don’t you love me? what did i do wrong? what did i deprive you of? was i not a good mother to you? tell me what i need to do to make you stay, to make you love me.

don’t die mother. i do love you. please don’t die. i didn’t mean to kill you. please, please come back.

but she is dead and burns right up in front of me leaving a miniature skull.
nooooooooo, god please, i’m sorry, stop the pain.

there is no god for you.

i was looking at myself as i had been a year ago.

god has turned on you. you’re worthless. you have no place among us. you will suffer for eternity.

the image of myself turns into a hideous looking devil. blood oozing from the eye sockets. a rotted decomposing face that has my smile. it is laughing and the laughing grows louder and louder and louder.

i am screaming.

I jerked awake on the cot in my cell. I was alone. But I heard footsteps coming from the other end of the hall. It sounded like two men were talking. I closed my eyes and waited for them to approach.

"There he is." The cop said. I recognized his voice. "Carter Frye, or whatever the hell he calls himself." It was as this point that I opened my eyes.

What I saw I did not expect. I was looking at Paul’s almost husband, Steve, from California. He was looking at me with hatred I never knew possible. He had my look when I was ready to kill.

The cop looked at the security guard assigned to watch me. "Hey kid, take a hike." The cop said. The guy who was watching me scurried away.

"Yeah, that’s him." Steve whispered glaring with hated I could taste. The cop came into the cell and shackled me to the cot and walked back out without shutting the door. He handed Steve the keys.

"I got a phone call to make." The cop said smirking at me. "And then I’ll remember that I left my keys in the locker room and I’ll have to go get them." The cop started to walk away and then stopped. "Don’t do anything that will warrant a trip to the hospital, okay?"

"Don’t worry about a thing." Steve hissed not looking away from me. "I’ll be gentle." The cop laughed as he disappeared. Steve walked into my cell.

This time I was scared. I had been set up to have the snot kicked out of me and it was gonna hurt bad.

Steve walked up very slowly to me. Without warning he backhanded me across the face hard. It stung like a bitch. I glared right back at him with as much hatred as he had.

"You’re gonna die motherfucker!" he hissed and backhanded me again. The sound of the slap was deafening. I wanted to cry out but I would not give Steve the satisfaction. "Her jawbone!" he whispered in my face. "You kept her fucking jawbone. What did you do to her." I spat in his face. He uppercut mine. The taste of blood was getting to be part of my own personal norm. "Where is the rest of her!" he demanded. I remained unresponsive, although I did crack a small evil grin. He grabbed me and shook me hard crying out, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" he started to ram my head into the wall.. I still did not cry out. Staying conscious on the other hand was getting difficult. "WHERE IS SHE! WHERE IS MY PAULA!" he stopped shaking me and slapped me full across the face as hard as he could. Several times.

I was ready to let go. Ready to die. No more pain. But then it all stopped.

"Steve! Jesus Christ! You’re going to kill him!" A female voice screamed out. Two cops pulled Steve away from me. I opened one swollen eye to see what was going on. Julie was standing in the middle of the cell as Steve was being restrained.

"HE DESERVES TO DIE! HE KILLED MY WIFE AND WE CAN’T FIND HER! I WANT TO KNOW WHERE SHE IS GODDAM YOU. TELL ME!" Steve screamed. I smiled very weakly at him.

"She’s a better fuck dead than alive Steve." I whispered.

The cop who had left Steve down here alone reappeared swearing to himself. Steve was forced out leaving only Julie and the cop. I closed my eye and leaned back.

"He needs to be cleaned up." The cop said. "We have to get him out of here. Tonight!"

"I’ll take care of it." Julie said. My cell was locked and they both walked away.

Julie and the security guard appeared minutes later. She had a bowl of water and towels with her. The guard let her in and she sat down next to me. My eyes were still shut.

"Are you conscious?" She asked me. I made a sound. She began to clean me up my face. "he shouldn’t have done this. It was wrong." I cracked an eye open and looked at her hazily then shut it again. "He hired me to find you, you know. When Paula disappeared the night of band gig. Steve knew it was you. He didn’t bother calling the cops. He called me. This is what I do. I locate scumbags like you and bring them in with as little violence as possible. I was taught that violence doesn’t help anything. It only breeds more violence. The law will take care of you my friend." She stood up apparently finished. "With the exception of your girlfriends house, when I kicked you in the jaw? That was personal. You totaled my car." Julie gathered her things and left. I never saw her again.

Some time later men came for me. I was being moved. I was in my own world not really comprehending what was going on around me. The only thing I picked up was that I was being moved to a psychiatric hospital for criminals somewhere in Baltimore. I was to tired and weak to resist. I let the men in the whit coats have their way with me. When I got to my final destination which was some clean sterile white room, I slept. For a very long time.

 

I didn’t dream very much. And when I did I don’t remember what it was about. I do remember that it was not pleasant. I felt myself slipping. The life was slipping out of my body.

I had no one.

But isn’t that how I wanted it?

I remember telling myself that when I was walking across the bridge the night I murdered "him". I had gotten what I asked for. I was now truly alone. I guess I never realized how many people I had in my life till I pushed them all away.

I had a life. I had some kind of future. I had a loving mother and a loving girlfriend. I even had a baby girl I would never know. Each of these people had a piece of me and now there is nothing left but a hollow corpse.

Eventually the securely locked door to my room opened and Dr. Sam Gardener from the police station walked in. he was smiling in a friendly manner. I didn’t look at him. I was playing catatonic. I did notice he was carrying something though.

"I have something here that belongs to you." He said. He sat the papers down on my lap. They were the notes I had been writing while I was in jail. The notes about this whole ordeal. "I hope you don’t mind. I took a look at these. They say a lot."

I was unresponsive. "Am I still not playing your game?" Sam asked. I continued to stare off into no where. Sam had an orderly wheel in a basic typewriter bolted to a table into the room and left it in the corner by my bed. "You didn’t finish the story. I would like to know how it ends." I moved my glance towards the typewriter. "I think you want to finish the story. I think you want to tell your story. I know you won’t talk to me now but I still want to listen. I’ll leave now. Consider it. If you change your mind, you know how to get a hold of me." Sam started to walk away.

"It got easier." I whispered. Sam stopped and turned around calmly intrigued. He looked at me attentively. "The killing. After "him". I had to kill again. It was in me. I think that if I had not killed "him", none of this might never have happened. People would still be alive. Paula would have married Steve. A seven eleven clerk would be home with his son right now, an elderly couple would be having dinner together, a police officer would still be fighting crime and my mother would still love me."

"What are you trying to say?" Sam asked gently.

"I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. I took one life and several changed forever. I have a daughter you know."

Sam nodded. "Yes I know. Congratulations."

"I’ll never see her or her mother again."

"You never know."

"Yes. I do." I returned to my catatonic state. Sam left.