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Casey Ravencop

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  What Doesn't Work posted Monday, March 27, 2006

Today I engaged in one of the most useless, meaningless acts ever.  It's left me hollow and feeling really bad.  It was supposed to make me feel better.  I feel even worse.

   Kevin @ 2:44 PM EST | | Mood:

  Need Her Love posted Sunday, March 26, 2006

She gives me love that I could never hope to have,
She tells me that she needs me, she tells me that she's glad,
And if she goes away, I'm like someone who's left out in the rain,
I need, I need her, I need her love.

She came in from the west, a summer breeze I couldn't rest,
I had to take a fast train, to be there by her side,
She made me feel so good, she made it like it should be all the time
I need, I need her, I need her love.

Just when I was thinkin' of her, she came along and made me
want her. I need her love.

If she goes away, I'm like someone who's left out in the rain,
I need, I need her, I need her love.

The boats that sail, the planes that fly, she is with me.
I wonder if she wonders, if this is all for real,
I couldn't stand to see her cry because of me, that would be sad.
I need, I need her, I need her love.

She tells me everything, she makes me smile, she tries to sing,
But never shares her suffering, if things are going wrong,
She makes it like a dream, if things are as they seem the world is good.
I need her love.

   Kevin @ 3:49 PM EST | | Mood:

  But then... posted Sunday, March 26, 2006

...I think about all the sunsets we won't ever see together anymore.  The sunrises we won't share together.  The nights of snuggling up together in the same bed.

Or just being together, period.

These thoughts put a dagger through my very existance.

The thought of having to get over her makes what I went through getting over my divorce seem like a walk in the park.

What did I do to deserve this?

What is it about me that makes people run away?

Why am I so wrong?

   Kevin @ 3:44 PM EST | | Mood:

  Barely Breathing posted Sunday, March 26, 2006

I am barely breathing.  Every beat of my heart, every breath I take in an effort.  The Demon beckons me.  The Demon's lair awaits me.  That place where I have spent so much time before.  Every time I feel my heart beat it pushes the pain through my entire body.  Why can't I escape what is happening to me?

I am so sad.  The dreams and hopes I had haunt me.  The memories I have consume me, chew me up and spit me back out.

I found out recently, with complete confirmation that The Ex is engaged.  I find myself feeling bitter and angry, but not at her per se.  But rather that she and the Deviant are not people who deserve happiness, or love.  The people who really deserve it are people like me, and my Lost Love.  How is it that one thing stands in the way of what could be a beautiful and wonderful thing?  She and I, my Lost Love are beautiful together and yet she goes to such lengths to deny herself, and in the process rips me into a million little pieces.  If one truly wants something so bad, then why fight it?  Why not just let it happening and work on it instead of creating this whole other place to be which is worse?

As for me, I hate being alone...but that is how it's supposed to be.  All I know is being lonely and for one brief second I thought that would not be the case and foolish me really got my hopes up.  It felt so right, so how can it be wrong?  There has to be a part of the equation that I don't know about, or am not being told, because I still cannot wrap my head around the reasons I am being given.  Something is missing.  What is it?

My Lost Love went away for the weekend and I've not been able to speak to her since she left Friday (if she really left at all).  This is the first time since we got together that we've not at least spoken to each other, and I cannot begin to relay how painful that has been.  I don't get it.  She tell me she misses me (but usually only after I say it first) but how can that be if it was so easy for her to not reach out to me once?  Unless it's a lie, which would not surprise me at this point.  She has stopped flirting with me, and when I do it's been brushed off.  But she says she loves it when I flirt with her.  How can that be?  Unless it's another bloody lie.  The words and the actions are two different things...and I am someone who places more stock in actions.  Words are words.  Anyone can use them for any reason, especially to lie.  Actions are different and it's a lot harder to lie with them although it's still possible.  She gave me the most beautiful love and then took it away like it meant nothing and barely acknowledges that it ever happened.  She says she still wants me, but how can that be?

Lovemaking is a *very* powerful act for me and I just don't give it up at the wave of a hand.  Sex is pretty much meanlingless to me without love in the mix.  And what we shared was not something that I can put into words.  I've never known such a place in time and space.  It was perfect.  And in the blink of an eye she decided it was not something she wanted anymore.  How did that change so quickly.  Unless it was a lie.

Was everything a lie?  Was I used a stepping stone to go from one place to another?  An ego booster?  A self esteem inflator?  I cannot believe that...because it would not have been as fantastic as it was.  Unless that was the original intent, and something else bigger came from it.

We used to have this witty banter about our ex's accusations, she used to give me grief about smoking.  She even offered to help me quit in so many ways and then withdrew the offer...along with so many other things we used to share.  I don't think she really understand how bad she hurt me by doing this.  You just don't give something like that to someone else and then take it away with a simple, "Oops, sorry."  I cannot believe that I meant so little to her to be throw away so quickly and disregarded as some kind of mistake.

What is even more crushing is how compatible we are together.  The magic that happens when we are in the same room together is bright and sparkling.  We have so much in common and yet our personalities are different too.  She is organized and has a structured schedule.  I am inpulsive and fly by the seat of my pants...but still managed to accomplish everything I need to do.  We compliment each other in such beautiful ways.  Our histories have quite a few things in common as well.  She gets me, and I get her.  She is the closest I have ever felt to having a soul mate.  We have had this wonderful connection since the day we met...and for me it was very deep.  And yet the only thing that stands between what would be the most fairly tale like romance is her.  She just does not want it!  She is denying herself everything she says she wants.  I don't get it.  She has got it in her head that the issues she needs to deal with in her life she has to do by herself and because of this she is pushing away what would probably be one of the best things that could ever happen to her (yeah, that took some serious balls to say...but if you were witness to the whole thing since the beginning, you would understand).  Why would someone deny themselves that?  How can I tell her so that she would understand that she does not have to be alone, that it is okay to lean on someone during weaker moments and still be an equal partner?

She used to tell me what a wonderful guy I was...but not much anymore.  She used to be so sweet and kind to me...but these days I am more of an imposition.  She used to call me all the time, and have hours of great conversation.  These days I am someone who gets scheduled in for a few minutes at the end of the day.  We would talk into the hours of the night.  And now she is systematically taking away everything she gave to me, piece by piece, a little bit at a time...and soon there will not be anything left.  Why is this?  What did I do to her to deserve this?  She insists it's her and not me, but the evidence does not bear this out.

I am lost now.  If I could only share all those beautiful and tender moments between us...and how it kills me to know that she refuses to share them with me anymore...that the next time it will be someone else.  How can that not be me and all her?  If it's not me and she insists that the world we created together is beautiful, and that we have this mysterious connection, and that I am this "wonderful man", and that she loves me then how can she not see us together...that the next time will be someone else?  I just do not understand how that can be.

Unless it was all lies.

And if that is even remotely true, why would someone do something like that to someone else?

I just cannot get the answers I need.

What is left to do?

If everything she has ever told me and shared with me is true...if she would only let me in.  If we were able to be there for each other without all the hesitation, life would be wonderful.  We would be beautiful and she would never want for anything.  I would never take her for granted because I love her and care about her like I have never before.

If she would only stop running from me, resisting me and just trust me...she would never have to worry again.

   Kevin @ 3:24 PM EST | | Mood:

  Robbed, Denied, Destroyed posted Saturday, March 25, 2006

I didn't mean to fall in love with you.
And baby there's a name for what you put me through,
It isn't love, it's robbery,
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me.

You broke me.

I am living in such a world of pain right now and I am sorry to say the majority of it was brought on by you. You robbed me. I opened up my heart to you and you slammed it shut. You gave me such a beautiful place to be and then you took it away and didn't once stop to contemplate the damage you would do.

When did you fall out of love with me, or did you lie when you say you did? People who love each other do not do this to each other.

You told me it isn't me...it's you. Maybe that is true after all. Maybe it's you and someone else, for in that logic it isn't me...it's all about you. Sometimes I think you are still lying to me...or not telling me the complete truth.

I don't have anything to hold on to anymore. I can'r get ir right in my head. I am suffering so bad and you just do not care. Why is this? What did I do to you to deserve this?

   Kevin @ 8:16 PM EST | | Mood:

  To be posted Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Demon and I just cannot stay away from each other. I'm a weakling. I give in, I submit.

I'm supposed to be alone. Plain and simple. Utterly and completely alone. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm not supposed to have what I want.

My dreams of not being alone are gone. Up in flames. My dreams of having a family again and demolished. In the blink of an eye they are all gone. One ray of hope in an eternity of universal darkness turned out to be an illusion. A mere mirage. I am a curse. Everything I touch turns to shit. I was born to be alone. To suffer an existance of torture in which I will always long for things I cannot have.

The Demon takes it all away and lies to me. Lies I believe because I do not have any other truth to hold onto. So the lies become my truth, and I accept it.

What is the alternative? To believe in something does not exist, or at least exist for me? A wife, a family, love, happiness, children, the dream all sentient beings desire, or need?

I am very bitter. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look everyone has what they want. Familes, husbands, wives, girlfiends, boyfriends, love, happiness. These are simple pleasures I am not to have. I am to be denied. I am to want so badly to have that kind of life and never have it come to fruition.

I missed out, you see. I am so in love. In love with a woman who does not love me. Who cannot love me, for I am not a man to love. I drive people away. My father, my mother, my ex-wife, and my son evetually, I am sure...because that is the curse I carry. I want this woman's love so badly, but I am the one man she will never be able to give it to.

So The Demon's love(hate) will replace the emptiness she leaves.

All good things must come to an end. In parting, I think of Shakespeare. Take it however you like. This will be the last time Casey Provance speaks via this forum. Farewell.

To be or not to be, that is the question:
Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep we say to end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn(e)
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ursula! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

   Kevin @ 2:11 PM EST | | Mood: