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  Thrown away posted Thursday, May 29, 2003

In the backseat of my car, there is a garter belt that used to hang on my rearview mirror.

It's now all stained up, torn, stretched. No longer appealing. Just another piece of trash in the backseat of my car that will eventually get thrown away when I get around to it.

It should be worth more. Shouldn't it? It should have been given a more proper sending off than to be so casually tossed aside like it meant nothing at all.

It's absolutely scary that something that signified so much has become such a non-thing so quickly.

So why does it not hurt more? I can only guess that when days are so filled with pain and anguish, there is only so much that can be felt can feel before it peaks. A cap on pain, if there is such a thing. Everyday I keep hoping that is the case...and everyday I see that it is not. Eventually, numbness sets in. But it's all there, behind a haze.

Although I have gotten to see my son a handful of times, everyone is treating my stepson like a non-person, and I HATE that! He is a little person with feelings too, and is of the age where he understands a lot of what is going on around him. I am not even allowed to write him a letter to say I love him and miss him and that I will see him again someday. How sad is that? Because he is not my blood child, the courts say I have no rights where he is concerned.

Well, on paper, perhaps. But I was his dad for YEARS when he had no other, and a paper technicality says I cannot have anything to do with him. What is the matter with that picture?

And the courts say that they have the best interest of the children in mind. Yeah...whatever. All I have left of him right now is a few outdated pictures.

Well, all I can say is that for someone who was so worried about preferential child treatment, the woman I used to share space with is fulfilling her own prophecy now, all by herself without any help from me. The woman is living in her own synthetic reality, because what she is living now is not real life. It's all going to come tumbling down around her soon. And I would say now the chances of my reconciling with her are getting slimmer with each passing day. If there was real love on her part, which I don't believe there is anymore, she would not be turning the lives of two children and one adult upside down for no other reason than to satisfy her itch to play "house" with another man.

Seriously, I don't know who the hell this person is.

The woman I fell in love with many years back was a giving, kind, loving, gentle person. She has this great job of working with disadvantaged families and gave so much of herself for them while asking for nothing in return. I admired that about her. She had my respect, and she had honour. She was living in a poor side of town in a dump of an apartment with a person who abused her. I rescued her from that life. Something I think I regret doing now.

Now, another four years later, she has forgotten who she was. That beautiful woman who helped other people...the one I fell in love with is just...gone!

What a slap in the face.

   Kevin @ 12:04 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  Who Wants To Live Forever? posted Monday, May 26, 2003

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us?

Who wants to live forever?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who dares to love forever, when love must die.

But touch my tears with your lips,
Touch my world with your fingertips,
And we can have forever,
And we can love forever,
Forever is our today.

Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today.

Who waits forever anyway ?

   Kevin @ 10:18 PM EDT | | Listening to:

  Dreams posted Monday, May 26, 2003

Whoever said that stress makes the mind experience abnormal things was right.

For months I have been having bad dreams about being separated, divorced, not living at my house, being stuck in places that I did not want to be. The only thing worse is having those dreams while living them.

Then the dreams are replaced by those of being held and loved by the one person who does not want to do so. My wife.

Sleep is torture.

I wake up with such a massive libido. What a waste. Quitting the Ambien has done wonders for that.

I want to go home so bad.

   Kevin @ 7:29 PM EDT | | Listening to:

  Spencer! posted Saturday, May 24, 2003

YAY! I get to see my little boy today!

What better way to take away the pain of life than the love of a child...even if only for a few hours.

I love you soooooooooooooo much Spencer, Daddy misses you. We get to see each other today, with Oma *and* Opa!!

Thank you for this small effort Heather, if you are reading this. Seeing my son is the best painkiller there is.

Please give my love to Zech too. Tell him that I miss him and love him and that soon as mommy and daddy work things out, we can go to Chic-Fil-A and have a daddy night out.

I love you Heather, and miss you most of all. No matter what we have been through, we always held onto this powerful love we have for each other. That does NOT just die. Find your way through it because I am still here. Waiting to hear from you, so we can begin talking about what to do without lawyers. Remember the two of us running around the SRQ mail looking for engagement rings? Playing pool at Livingstons...and how about our trip to Captiva Island. I felt so close to you then. It just does not go away ::snap:: like that.

Call me. I love you Heather

   Kevin @ 11:17 PM EDT | | Listening to:

  Pain posted Saturday, May 24, 2003

How is pain defined?

It's when the woman you have spent the last twelve years loving does not love you anymore. Missing her so bad so that's all you can think about. To find out that she is involved with someone else even before your spot in the bed is cold. That someone else is holding and loving the one person you have ever wanted and needed.

It is seeing the woman you love every place you turn. There is no where to go that does not hurt because you have been there with her. No place in the world that does not somehow invoke her memory. The smell of her hair, the taste of her lips, the feel of her hand in yours.

It's being separated from your children. Those precious little people in your life who define your existance. Who look up to you for love and support. Unconditional love.

It's being told you you cannot see or talk to either unless someone else says you can.

It's having your home you worked year to build taken away from you. Why fight for it? To live in a big empty space where the ghosts of three people and the sound of silence will drive you mad?

I'm falling apart, I will have to continue this later....................

   Kevin @ 3:11 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  God posted Thursday, May 22, 2003

I have not seen my little boy in eight days now. Unless you have children that you are close to, that statement will mean nothing to you. If you do have children, and you are close to them, then you know exactly what I am talking about. When a child is taken from you by force, and then you are told by "the man" that you cannot see him until some stranger in a robe who does not know any of us makes a decision about all our lives based on the kind of day he has had.

Welcome to the simplicity of our legal system.

Meanwhile, my heart is still being ripped out my ass because my sweat pea is someplace in this city, and I am not allowed to see him.

The day I was asked to leave, there had been a thunderstorm, and it had scared Spencer awake from his nap. Heather tried to comfort him, but in the end, he wanted me to hold him...to speak to him in my soothing daddy voice. Telling him that it was just light and noise and it could not hurt him. That the light and noise were going away...and that Spencer would be okay. Daddy loves him and would never let anything happen to him. Every time a thunderstorm moves in, my heart wrenches like a wet rag. Spencer is scared, and he wants his daddy.

This has brought me to tears more times than I can remember. I was misty eyed right before I loaded this editor up because I had just finished talking to the picture of my son which is propped up against the monitor.

I miss you Spencer. Daddy loves you soooooo much. Please don't be scared. You are a big boy, and getting bigger. And God loves you and will protect you till I see you again. But I promise you my sweet little man...daddy will never leave you. I love you more than life itself. More than all the stars in the universe. You are my number one person and my life is about raising you so you can be whatever you want to be...so you can reach your potential.

This, I am sorry to say, with very heavy heart is not something he will get from his mother. She is too busy trying to live her own life. Her kids are not number one to her and that has *always* upset me. I was never able to understand why it was more important to her to find ways to get out of the house and live her own life while a 6 year old and a two year old wanted her attention so bad. They used to be priority, but that changed. I knew then it was up to me to be Spencer's primary source of everything he needs to get through this life with a fair shot.

I am in NO way trying to imply that my wife is a bad mother. She is not...far from it. I am only implying that Spencer and Zech do not come first for her. It that were true, she would be working our marriage out with me instead of messing around with some guy she met at Zech's cub Tiger Scouts troop. Her taking my children to the house of a stranger is a damned scary thing! I don't know this Jack person for...well, jack!

I am only willing to let Heather go because I love her so much. That is all one can do for someone they love. Let them go. I just cannot be sure on the off chance that she comes back that I will want anything to do with her.

I am a very loyal, faithful, monogamous person. If she crosses that line then after our marriage, then there won't be any turning back. I will do whatever I have to do to make the life of my children the best it can be, but that would be the end of my role where Heather is concerned. Once that fidelity bond is broken, there is no fixing it. At least that is how I am.

If he has you and throws you away, much like you did to me, then don't come crawling back to my door. I can forgive, but forgetting is another matter. Mothers of two kids, one still in diapers do not get the right to act like a frivelous single person at the cost of the children. Her hauling them to his house while she spends the night is dispickable! If that is what she wants to be, then give me Spencer...and have a nice life. Spencer will always be my number one. He will always come first before ANYTHING. Work, women, friends...anything. Spencer is first. And anyone who cannot handle that...then don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

I realize how cold this all sounds, but like I said: I will do what is in Spencer's best interest. For those who are thinking I want to separate him from his mother (like she is doing to me) then think again. Spencer deserves BOTH of his parents on a regular basis. I believe however that I can do a better job of raising him as his primary parent.

In the last week, I have re-established my relationship with God. For years...and I mean quite a few of them, I was not letting him in. Regardless the circumstances or her reasons, I thought God was dead that day because I lost a child.

The pain of losing my family over the last eight days consumed me to the point where I felt that there was no one else who could help me. Couple this with my false heart attack trip to the hospital and my realization that I truly did not want to die, no matter how bad I felt...it was time to reconnect with my maker.

I have found that it is the only real way I can get to sleep anymore now that I have been off the Ambien for some two weeks now. I think about my relationship with God, and Jesus. I feel a lot of guilt for not talking to them for so long...for turning my back the way I did when my life went to pot. I know they forgive me, and now it is a matter of forgiving myself, which I am on the road to doing.

It doesn't stop all the hurt tho. My family is still gone. The wounds from where they were ripped away from me are still bleeding. My heart is still shattered into a million undefinable pieces. Why it takes a tragedy of this magnitude to open ones eyes is sad. I wonder if I had done it sooner, if things might be different.

But I cannot ponder on those thoughts.

God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the ability to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

To that end Heather, my one true love. I let you go. But Spencer still deserves his father. I hope God grants you the wisdom to see this and act in his best interest.

I still love you.

   Kevin @ 12:36 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  Hospital posted Wednesday, May 21, 2003

I forgot to add that bit of information.

Apparently when one gets REALLY stressed out, one can get all the symptoms of a heart attack. For hours I was crying that I didn't want to die. (and to the customer who says I am just too lazy to offer AOL 9.0 support in WavMan, here is where you can piss off. There is more to my life than writing your programs).

This all went down about 4 am and I didn't get out until 9 pm. The good news is that they did every kind of test possible for liver, pancreas and a couple other organs, and I'm still as fit as a fiddle. :)

Chect pains and stress...make lousy bed fellows

For those who are wondering about when I'll be able to start working on my programs again....ask the judge I have to see Thursday. He's probably going to kick me out of my own house until further notice. So having WavMan ready by AOL 9.0 release? Not likely. Blame my wife. If I didn't think it would land me in jail, I'd put her email address up and one could complain to her.

::sigh::

I still love her...even if she is a JACK of all trades. Thirty nine and FOUR kids? Hmmmph. You cannot even take care of your own two without complaining about it...how the hell could you play stepmom to four?

I still love you Heather.

   Kevin @ 2:02 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  Where do we go from here? posted Wednesday, May 21, 2003

First, understand that I am not the author of those poems below. They belong to Jeff Lynne of ELO.

I am so lost. Where do I possibly go from here? The answer although easy, it more difficult that one could imagine.

My little boy, Spencer. I miss him with everything that is in me. It's day 7 now and although the pain has not subsided I've learned to control it to a degree where I won't fall apart.

Thursday, a complete stranger dressed in a robe will tell me, and to some degree my wife, how visitation will be handled, even if this is a temporary measure.

From here, we would take the opportunity to have a sit down and work out all the little details at once. If that goes well, then an ugly divorce has been avoided.

If not...well, it gets ugly, painful, and that of my kids having to live through that makes me sick. I will work to do whatever I have to do, short of giving up eveerything I have ever built or worked for over the last seven years.

The woman I married in 1998 would never do something like that. The person who has invaded her body recently? I don't know who she is.

I am so sad about this. I love my wife. I did before we every met back in 1991 and I will till the day I die...and then some.

The good news is that I have to get a haircut by a drop dead gorgeous busom blonde, and I get to have my eyes checked by a gal who is Lindsay's twin from The Practice.

   Kevin @ 1:48 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  Ordinary Dream posted Tuesday, May 20, 2003

I couldn't really understand at all, the writing on the wall, from you to me.

A jigsaw puzzle of a twisted tale, that set its lonely sail, from you to me.

'Cause I tried to get the message but it's not understood, wide apart and so far away. It mattered at the start until I realized instead ....

I'm floating in a troubled sky, watching you as you go by, in an ordinary dream.

I'm sailing on a troubled sea, watching you as you watch me, in an ordinary dream.

I couldn't understand a word it said, the letter that I read, from you to me.

I couldn't fathom out the stuff you wrote, so I guess it's just a joke, from you to me.

Though reality keeps calling me away from my dream. And the wreckage isn't all it might have been. Didn't matter at the start until I realized it did.

I'm floating in a troubled sky, watching you as you go by, in an ordinary dream.

I'm sailing on a troubled sea, watching you as you watch me, in an ordinary dream.

   Kevin @ 1:01 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  Serious posted Monday, May 19, 2003

can it really be so serious.
To be all broken up and delerious.
I guess we've really been out of touch.
But can it really be so serious.

   Kevin @ 12:10 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  Send it posted Monday, May 19, 2003

The sun still shines way up above,
But it dont matter because,
The dream is gone.
The dream is just a memory.
If you see my dream send it back home to me.

Send it! On the wires
Send it! On a plane
Send it! On an express
But send it back to me again.

   Kevin @ 12:06 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  Getting to the point posted Monday, May 19, 2003

Forever, is a long way.
Forever, takes your breath away.
I'd like to talk abvout it, can you understand?
It's getting to the point.

It's getting to the point,
Where nobody can stop it now.
It's getting to the point,
Of no return.
I know what I can do,
is stand and watch it now, watch it burn, burn, burn.

It's getting to the point.
Where reasons are forgotten.
It's getting to the point,
Where no one knows

I know what I can do,
is say im sorry, thats the way it goes.
It's getting to the point.

   Kevin @ 12:03 AM EDT | | Listening to:

  To the love of my life posted Saturday, May 17, 2003

I love you and miss you with everything that it is me. I miss our children. I need to see them both so I know they are okay.

Please. Bring them to see me. I miss them so. If you cannot bear to work things out with me, then please do not deny our children the right to see me, to have a relationship with me. They need me as much as I need them. Please bring them to see me, even if only for a little while. Please.

I don't want to fight. I want to work everything out with you, no matter what it takes. Please contact me. Please.

Check your email, you should be able to access it again.

I love you Heather.

   Kevin @ 6:06 PM EDT | | Listening to:

  Cog posted Sunday, May 4, 2003

Check this out. This is the damndest commercial I have ever seen. And it wasn't even a SuperBowl commercial.

http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html

Be sure to read the "How they did it" article at the end. Totally amazing.

Also, mad propz to my wife who has finally started reading my inner thoughts. Glad ya finally made it hunny.

   Kevin @ 10:31 PM EDT | | Listening to: