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  Chloe posted Tuesday, September 28, 2004

As I've written about before, I seem to have started a relationship with my subconscious that I have no say in or control over.  Dreams to be specific.  I've touched on them many times and how I've learned to manipulate them, and vice versa.  IN recent weeks I've even started to have what I can only describe as three dimensional dreams.  I can feel myself reaching through that curtain which separates dream and consciousness without actually waking up.  I can see things in the room and around me almost as if I am reaching out of my physical body and seeing them another way.

Yeah, yeah...go ahead.  Roll yours eyes.  I can only describe what is happening to me.  I can't explain it.

Sometimes the dreams I have are so real to me that I cannot tell the difference between them and reality.  And because typically we are getting what it is we want in our dreams, we accept the dream as reality because true reality is much more disappointing.  Every win the lottery in your dreams?  The feeling of not having any more financial worries?  I have.  Lots of times I have supernatural "powers" at my control.  Levitation, the ability to fly, telekinesis...things like this.

And sometimes I dream of things closer to my heart.  People, feelings, emotions.  And sometimes if I am lucky enough I can return to the same dream after waking up to experience again what is my ideal world.

I had one of those this morning...and it's left me feeling a bit heartbroken.  Because the dream was not only so real to me, it felt like it actually happened.  When I recall the dream it's as if I am recalling actual memories.

Constant Readers will remember the server from Geckos, my favourite restaurant in town.  The name I have given her to replace her true name is Chloe.  I've been fascinated with her for quite some time now.  Even from the day I first met her some three or four years ago, there has always been something about her that has caught my attention.  It was only after becoming separated/divorced that I could actually reveal this crush I had on her.  She knows it too, say thankya.  How she responds is something of a mystery to me sometimes because she has this wall around her.  She admits it as well.  Still, the emotions I feel for this woman have rooted in me like a cancer...taking hold and tapping it's roots into me delving deeper day by day, week by week, until I have to admit that I love her in some way.  When we see each other at the restaurant, we talk.  Chat about things.  Every now and then she reveals some tidbit about herself that allows me just a peek over that wall she keep around herself.

Occasionally I have dreamed of her, but nothing as intense as this morning.  So much so that I am left in this reality with the memories of something that happened in some other world.  Now my heart cries out for her knowing she will never hear.

In this first dream I am sitting at a table, reading a magazine.  Chloe sits down at the seat opposite me as she typically does when we hold palaver.

"What are you reading?" She asks.

"I don't know.  Nothing really."

In typical Chloe fashion, she takes the magazine out of my hands and starts to skim through it.  I watch her, fascinated by her.  She is so beautiful.  Those eyes, that smile.  If she only knew just how gorgeous she really was and what she meant to me.

She closes the magazine, stands up and walk over to my side of the table where she promptly sits down in my lap, straddling me and the chair.  My immediate reaction is one of utter surprise.

This *has* to be a dream.  Chloe would never do this in real life.

"What's the matter?" She asks, playful.  My jaw finally closes from where it has been hanging.

"I...I..."

"Shut up and kiss me," she says, leaning forward so that our lips meet.  She tastes sweeter than I have ever imagined she would.  Softly and slowly the kiss continues.  I will not be the one to part.  The lost direction I have been floating in for the past few years finally has compass.  This slow warm melting sensation bursts from within my chest and floods over me.  In my mind, questions flow; When did Chloe start feeling this way?  Is this for real?  Is this a joke?  Am I dreaming?

Instead of parting, I return his soft kisses with more intense ones, letting her know that I am there and that I intend to drink as much of her in as she will allow.

The scenery has changed, as it often does in dreams.  We are not on the chair anymore, but rather someplace else.  Someplace more private.  Someplace where this recently born passion may blossom.

At some point the dream has gone black and white while my eyes were closed, lost in Chloe's existence.

And I awake.  4:21 AM.  I put as much as I could immediately remember into my dream journal.  It was a powerful dream.  Very intense.  I have an addictive like draw to see Chloe, but I know she is not working tonight...so it will have to wait.

Not that anything will have changed.  I will still just be Casey-who-comes-to-see-her-every-week.  She won't feel those looks of the longing I feel for her when her back is turned, even with this new passion burning in my eyes.  The wall around her is preventing this, methinks.

I went back to sleep and eventually woke into this dream:

It has been a day since Chloe and I have been together.  She is working and I am attending some event for my former high school.  It seems to be a reunion of sorts.  I am dressed in jeans and a a cream colored sweater, waiting for Chloe to arrive.  I somehow know that she is meeting me here when she leaves work.  I am thinking about the previous day in which Chloe has finally told me that she feels the same way I feel about her.  I love her intensely and she is finally willing to admit that she harbours the same feelings.  At some point between that time and now, the time I am waiting for her we have made love.  I recall the closeness of it without actually remembering what transpired.  For you see, that is all that matters to me at this point; being close to her.

Looking out a window I see her walking up the sidewalk towards a door to the building.  She walks in still wearing the Geckos work shirt.  She see me and smiles.  That smile that has melted my heart on more than once.  That smile that now says "I am happy to see you."  She walks up to me to tell me she is going to change.  I do not reply although I am staring deep into her beautiful brown eyes.  She smiles and leans forward to kiss me.  The rush of adrenaline puts me in a natural high.  This is all I will ever need.

She returns dressed in a strapless white dress.  She is stunning beautiful with her hair down.  She smiles and twirls around once to let me see the entire dress.  I am in awe.  I reach out for her and take her hand.  We start to dance.  It's like we're dancing on air as she puts her head on my shoulder.

(slow dancing)

"I didn't know you knew how to dance!" She whispers.  In this reality she is quite learned in dancing.

(swaying to the music)

"I don't," I whisper in reply, taking in the scent of her.  Higher and higher I become.

(slow dancing)

"What do you call this?" she giggles, her breath on my neck.  Electricity flows through me lighting feeling I dismissed as forgotten.

(just me and my girl)

"Shuffling my feet on the floor"

(no one else in the whole wide world)

Chloe laughs drawing me closer, now leading me across the floor, where we are the only two people in the world.

I have decided this is reality.  This is real!

"I love you Chloe," I whisper.  She pulls back and stares into my eye, taking control of me.  She knows I belong to her now.  Body, mind, soul.

"I love you too Casey."

At once the blazing colour of this world starts to fade.  At once I know what is happening.  I am dreaming.  When the dreams fade they become black and white and I know that in moments I will be back into my reality where Chloe is far away.  The heartbreak sets in as I watch her fade to black and white.  She is still staring into me dreamily.

The dream goes black.

"No!  Chloe!"  I tried to scream.  It came out as a mumble as I raised my tired head from the pillow.  It was 7:42 AM.  I cannot get back to sleep.  The memory of that dance is haunting me as the dream is still fresh.

Again, I put as much as I could into the dream journal in my barely translatable cursive before the dream itself starts to fade.

And now, as I write this entry the dream has faded back into the subconscious...but the dance remains as clear as ever, committed to long term memory where is will haunt me for longer than I wish it to.

My worst nightmare as that she will leave Geckos and I will never see her again.

What to do.

   Casey @ 2:02 PM EDT | | Mood:

  Warm up posted Friday, September 17, 2004

Okay...

For anyone who is still visiting here are some things I read today that got my attention.

M.Y.O.B
For the record, I do not support BushCo.  Most people already know this, but I just want to say for those who don't, I am a staunch supporter of John Kerry.  So much so that I am not able to have a discussion of politics with my parents.  My stepdad is a Bush supporter (poor guy) and my Mom hates both of them and typically get caught in the crossfire, so she says she is not voting and supports neither.  I think she's fibbing to me to avoid a political spat, but such is denial.  So what I take shots at the current excuse for an administration, you know why.  Bush is a pussy, and a liar.  But we can argue about this later.

The terror attack in Russia with the Chechen rebels got my attention.  Apparently it's our administrations stance on this with Moscow that the Russians should negotiate with the Chechen rebel leaders while we give them asylum.  Does that not seem a little two faced?  Putin's reply says as much citing that the US won't open a dialogue with Osama bin Laden.

Sadly enough, Putin has a point.  The "do as we say and not as we do" policy won't fly here.  We should really just stay out of it.  Eventually Putin is going to open a can of whoop ass on those Chechans and then let God sort it out.  The US does not need to be in the middle of that spat considering our weak stance in the world today (al Dubya's fault I might add).

Hurricane X
As a resident of Florida, I have to say that I am getting a little pissed off with mother nature, the fucking bitch.  How many of these fucking hurricanes do we have to deal with before the bitch is satisfied?  Father Time needs to get off his ass and throw Ms. Nature a good fuck or some damn thing, because she obviously needs it!

Charley took down the Port Charlotte area (about 60 miles or so south of where I live, that one was too close).  The destruction was jaw dropping.  On the flip side, why so many damn trailer park owners build so close to the inlets is beyond me.  That's just tempting fate.  Why build something so fragile so close to the water and then be all shocked and shit when it gets destroyed by a great big fat glorified tornado?  I don't know.  I did hear however that The Ex's current fuck buddy had the front of the store he works for blown all apart.  Bwhahahahahaha.  Karma.  Gotta love it.  And that's only the beginning.  Heh.

Frances decided to give the other side of the state a taste of the same medicine practically a week later.

Than Ivan had even panicked for days until it decided to go play somewhere else.  Damn near every house in the neighborhood where I live was boarded up.  I don't get that.  Boards are not going to save your house.  What difference does it make if your windows break or not when the whole house is going to get knocked over.  Some people still put great big tape X's over their windows.  Those people need to read a pamphlet on hurricane safety or something, because that does not protect a damn thing.  In fact, it could only make things worse.

People are just plain fucking stupid.

I think the one person who has the worst plan of all was The Ex.  Her original plan, that is until I schooled her in how the real world works (a job I just cannot seem to get rid of) was to rent a hug van at the last minute and flee for Georgia.  Can you see the problem with that plan?  Allow me to enlighten thee.

1) Nobody is going to rent anything at the last minute.  Businesses close and everyone who had the same idea already beat you to it.  The trick to making that work is to rent the van about a week ahead of time and just keep pushing back the rental dat every day until you actually need the van.

2) Don't forget that you have to share the road with everyone else who is fleeing too.  Remember those crowded images of I-95 in which no one was moving.  What makes you think I-75 and I-4 on our side of the state will be any better?  The solution is to leave several days in advance.  If the storm misses then call it an expensive roap trip and write it off.

3) Frances demonstrated the need to top off that tank early...but even that is no guarantee, because one can easily run out of gas merely sitting in traffic.  Florida ran out of gas fast in the shadow of Frances and many people were without.  I'm not sure what the law is on transporting extra gas.  I suppose of it's an approved container it might be okay.  If traffic has stalled you could kill the engine, but then the AC goes away...and Florida is famous for hot humid days...especially in the middle of the state.

4) Georgia has enough problems without everyone from Florida crowding it.  It's already flooded and everyone else who had the same idea is already there.  Plus, Charley taught us the fleeing away does not mean a thing, because the hurricane followed everyone to Orlando and dumped all over them anyway.

Mother nature is a mean fucking cunt...but she still needs to be respected.  Because she will chew your little human ass up and spit you out minus property, money and in some cases your life.

Etceteras
John McCain, whom I truly respect and is truly a war hero is insisting that Ralph Nader be added to the Florida ballot.  Of course he does.  Everyone knows that a vote for Nader is really a vote for Bush.  Just like in 2000.  Anyone who says different is deluded.  How long till the GOP jumps to give Nader everything he needs?  John Kerry deserves to win, but if Nader fucks this up by sticking his broken old nose into this election, he's going to be responsible for four more years of fucking hell.  If Bill Maher and Michael Moore get on their knees and beg at Ralph's feet not to run (and they did), you know we have a bad situation.

Bush says Kerry's proposals will hurt the economy.  I'm sorry, the economy is in decent shape now?  The economy is already hurt, thanks to Dubya. Argument invalid!

Kerry accuses Bush of Hiding Troops Plan, that is to ship off reservists and Guard members to Iraq after the election.  I know this is a fact.  Why?  The Ex's brother is in the Reserve.  He has been since 1997 or so.  Now that he is married with a new born baby, he and his group are being asked to report for duty.  Orders: off to Iraq.  So if Bush denies this, he'll just be lying, because I've seen it first hand.  Smug little prick.

Johnny Ramone is dead from cancer.  Who?  Yeah, I said the same thing.

Rick James autopsy shows no less than seven drugs in his system upon death...including cocaine.  Real shocker, eh?

Apparently Wacko Jacko had people cheering for him as he entered court today.  Why?  There is evidence like four times over that he has abused children sexually (allegedly).  It's going to get to the point where mothers will be holding out their own kids at these appearances screaming "Michael, take mine, please!"  Also, the entire Jackson family is wearing white to signify innocence.  I am sorry, but no member of the Jackson family has any business wearing white for innocence.  Not a single one of them.

So...there.

This entry totally sucked.  It's going to take time to find my groove again.

   Casey @ 3:00 PM EDT | | Mood: